The numbers of my health

Some of you may have already seen my excitement on Facebook about my doctor's appointment yesterday. I'm gonna post some numbers on here and I am well aware that they may mean nothing to you or you may think my current numbers are still wanting... but... so what! I want to celebrate my accomplishment a little and show what kind of results a couple of diet and fitness tweaks can give you.

Before, when I went in for blood work in February, I was about to turn 27 and we were thinking about starting a family soon so I knew I needed to make sure all my ducks were in a row. Apparently, they were no where near in a row in some specific areas:

Cholesterol total: 252

LDL: 165

HDL: 60

Vitamin D: 23.6 (insufficiency level)

Glucose: 100

Hemoglobin A1c: 5.4 (an average of my blood sugar levels the past 2-3 months according to WebMD)

Weight: 201

She told me that all of my cholesterol numbers really concerned her, and that my blood sugar also warranted concern. For whatever reason, talk of heart disease and my family health history didn't sink in, but, she merely had to mention diabetes and I was shaking in my boots. The vitamin D deficiency she chalked up to not enough sun thanks to too much sun screen coverage? Crazy I know. So, she prescribed weight loss, diet change and 10 mins of sunscreen-less sun a day.

So I did it. Well, I tried to do it. I didn't 'do it' every day. I went over my base calorie limit of 1250 every now and then but it was all tracked using MyFitnessPal. I tracked any extra calories earned during workouts via my heart rate monitor. I started doing yoga using DVDs and an app called Yogify. I started meditating using a variety of sources: an app called Headspace, one called Take a Break, and CD's of meditations by Belleruth Naparstek. I worked hard and am still working hard.  (Edit: Sorry if it wasn't clear but I figured most of you assumed I'm including in my new routine my running at least several miles approximately every other day)

Yesterday was my big check up to see how it was going.

Cholesterol total: 186

LDL: 109

HDL: 58

Vitamin D: 35

Glucose: 91

Hemoglobin A1c: 5.1

Weight: 175 (ya'll.... that's 10lbs away from my 12th grade weight)

She told me I was a 'woman transformed' and that the results she was looking at was 'like I was on medicine.' I know I've lost weight but this is what I really wanted, for someone to say you are healthier now! Hopefully this is just the start.

To keep us honest, we signed up for another race! Well, two more races actually. It's hard to believe, but I'm going to try my hand at another half marathon! I meant it when I said I felt horribly disappointed about my performance at the Avenue of the Giants but that I felt like I really still had it in me to do much better. So in October Ed and I will be running in the Rock n Roll Half Marathon in San Jose.

The second race we signed up for is the Hark the Herald Angels 12k on Angel Island - the Ellis Island of the West! The course loops around the island which will be really nice, I've never seen it before. That will be in December though - I love me a good holiday run. 

Well that's about all. And for a good smile here's a funny diagram for summer vacations. I'm not sure I agree with alllllll of it - but it's pretty close!

What I Wish I Knew Before (Regarding Running and Weight Loss)

Happy National Running Day!

While I continue to delay writing a recap of our trip home, I wanted to write a little piece on what I wish people talked about before and during my running and weight-loss adventures. I am not an expert, I'm just sharing my own experience, advice or heads up I would have given myself, specifically. Obviously, I'm still working on myself - I've only been losing weight since February and running for under 2 years - so this is ever evolving. I don't have any answers. I hope this provides some support and love to those of you who are struggling out there and are feeling shame or hopelessness. 

1. Sports Bras
This it two part and mostly relevant to heavy chested women:

- It's not about how good it makes your boobs look. I have actually seen women review bras poorly based on how 'smushed' they made their breasts look. They worried it wasn't flattering or that not having their breasts look good made their tummies look larger. Granted, I made jokes about having a sports bra uni-boob in high school, but now that I'm actually running? Having a bra that made your breasts look good would be ridiculous. For me that would be like running with a heavy shelf in front. You want those things tamped down and stabilized. And you know what, who cares if it makes your belly look bigger! You're running to workout not to seduce someone. That's a popular quotation on the fitness boards on Pinterest: "If you still look good at the end of a workout, you're doing it wrong."

- They make a huge difference. I started out running in basic champion bras from Target and when I finally switched over to UnderArmour it was a life changer. Imagine going from having all the air knocked out of you with every stride, to being able to breathe normally AND even swing my arms by my sides instead of underneath my chest holding things in place! Sports bras matter.

Not good enough.

Doesn't look that different, but seriously, so much relief.

2. You can be in denial even when it is STARING YOU IN THE FACE. I kept a food diary for ages before I actually started losing weight using the MyFitnessPal app. No joke, I would write down that I ate ice cream nearly every day. Did it register with me that that was part of the problem? Not in the slightest. So, writing things down doesn't equal immediate weight loss. It finally clicked for me when I had an actual number that I needed to hit and not go over. Counting calories sucks, but once you get the hang of it, it's hard to shake. Who knows what will make it click for you, but all I can say is keep it at it until something does.

Yeah, 2 1/2 glasses of wine, all that cheese, a haagen daaz mini and chocolate bars? That surely can't add up to or anywhere near to a 1200 calorie day - I still eat ice cream, just not every day.

3. Going slow is hard, but sometimes it's the one thing you really must do. I was so sick and tired of seeing the same number on the scale so many days in a row, but eventually it I knew it would change. I just had to learn how to be patient and keep trying. Same for my runs. I'm a huge slow poke. It can be embarrassing when everyone is passing me, and when I post my workouts and my time just isn't changing but... I would rather post a slow time than no time at all. That's really the only thing that matters.

4. There's wiggle room for types of food. Quality matters, but not when it comes to just getting the weight off. This goes back to the calorie counting. You can eat ice cream every day... if it fits in your calorie budget. You won't be healthy, but sure, you'll still lose weight. People who say the key is merely cutting out carbs or dairy or sweets may not be helping you and in my case I just found it more frustrating. There's nothing magical here, no secret food that makes it all better or all worse, it's all just food. Except McDonalds and Twinkies. That's not food.

5. Cooking a lot or being wealthy really helps. I had to plan out our meals, factor in leftovers, see how far I could stretch that broccoli or brown rice. But if you can afford pre-made fancy meals, salads, shakes or sushi from Whole Foods or another company, you go for it.

6. Going out is really hard. and scary. I wanted to eat everything and also eat nothing. I was so sure one meal out would put back on all the weight I'd worked so hard to lose. Same goes for drinking. I can't think of the last time I was drunk, entirely because of the caloric intake. You have to keep working at it until you can trust yourself to not go crazy and lose all awareness of what you're putting in your body.

7. People do (unintentionally?) shame you, and you have to keep going. Whether it's out of jealousy or lack of awareness or whatever, people can say some mean things. And sometimes they'll say nothing at all which can be just as hurtful - we all want to be recognized for our effort. But it's not about other people. They are on their own journey. They may have way more important things going on than keeping track of your waist line, or they may be hurting from their own struggles and lashing out at you as an innocent bystander. Try to remember your own goals and that other silly Pinterest-popular quotation about not comparing your beginning to someone else's middle or something like that. (Edit: It also occurred to me after reading an article on body shaming that congratulating someone on their weight loss can be complicated in itself... what if they have been sick and lost weight due to illness? Is that a good thing? So, yes, it can be complicated but you just keep trying to be healthy whatever way you can no matter what outside influence says or does.)

8. It's ok to get upset as long as you keep going the next day. I won't lie and say this process has been pretty. There have been, and will still be, many days where I am feeling low about my progress or my diet or my lack of enthusiasm for working out. I'll beat up on myself or just be a huge grump (sorry Ed!) and mope around. I'll skip a workout. Or half-ass one. The day will be a wash. But as long as I get up the next day and get back to it... it's all ok. One day will not ruin everything you've done if you refuse to let it.

9. Have I mentioned it's super hard? I don't care what anyone says, I wish all of those magazine articles in Self and Women's Health that talked about how people lost the weight, discussed how hard it really is. Those articles seem to focus on women that 'just stopped drinking soda' or 'ate healthier snacks' and 'just started walking.' There was no magical moment where I ate the right crown of broccoli or stopped eating ice cream and then it all fell into place. You can make it easier by surrounding yourself with good foods and workout equipment, but I won't lie and say that makes it all easy. You still have to choose to not overeat. To break a sweat every day. To keep making that choice day after day. It's just not easy, and we shouldn't feel bad when we struggle. It's tough. And if you have a job and/or a family to juggle on top of that? It's a lot.

10. You'll get funny tan lines. Unless you work out inside, and then you'll have less of an issue here, but I've got goofy running capri tan lines on my legs and my jacket/t-shirt/tank-top rotation of shirts has also left a silly gradation on my arms.

11. Running is not better than walking. Pilates is not better than yoga. Weight-lifting is not better than cardio. Nothing is better than.What you get out there and do that is the BEST thing for you. Yes, each thing helps in different ways with pros and cons, but seriously, if it makes you sweat and it's challenging, then you're on the right track. Keep at it.

12. 'Runner's High' will not be the reason you keep running. A couple people asked me why I'm still running now and if it was because of runner's high. I'm about 99% sure I've never felt anything that I would describe as a runner's high. I'm not sure why running suddenly clicked. I think it has something to do with being unable to ignore how easy it is to go out, where ever I am, with my running shoes on and just go for 20, 30, 40 minutes at a time. I feel like I'm getting the most bang for my buck and it's nearly impossible to make excuses for such a simple task.

13. Finally, no one else knows what will work for you, so just ignore all the noise until you hear something that makes sense to you. Take that one thing and trash the rest. 

Catch-All!

Goodness, I have no excuse for not writing recently. So much has been going on and I really should be documenting it. Let me catch you up briefly before I get back to posting more regularly with pictures from our travels...

I submitted another book review today for Racialicious so fingers crossed it meets expectations. I've been a reading fool. 

It's wonderful really, and I feel more confident about my ability to assess books and appreciate nuances of certain authors. I can connect similarities and references with much greater ease. It's wonderful. Now if only I could get those connections out of my head and onto the page. My first review is here. Be gentle - I'm trying my best to learn how to review appropriately and I know I can't get better at it if I don't keep trying. Plus, I've been battling that self-doubt that says that my writing isn't good enough for any kind of publishing. Leave it to Eleanor Roosevelt to explain it best: "You must do the thing that you think you cannot do."

Running is on the back burner. It's still happening, I've not quit, and I'm still enjoying it, but without any races coming up, I'm not pushing myself to go any great distances. I did get a fancy pair of new shoes thanks to a grand re-opening sale at Sports Authority and I am in love.

They are so comfortable and it doesn't hurt that I love the way they look. I can't lie, I was badly hoping for a pair of Nike's. You all know how much I love that one Nike commercial with the singing and the literal cross country running, you know, this one:

But sadly, none of the Nike shoes were supportive enough for me. Or they were tight on my (apparently) gigantic feet. Most felt super comfortable, I told Ed it was like running on pillows. But I have a bit of a flat foot and I need more structure to my shoe so I went with the lovely Asics above and after a four mile run to break them in, I don't have an iota of regret.

I've started a regular meditation and yoga routine and I've been feeling a big difference in my emotional reactions. I feel as if I'm on a slightly more even keel than I was before. I still struggle with holding poses and keeping my mind at ease, but I'm enjoying the struggle. Along with that Eleanor Roosevelt quotation I've been telling myself to 'breathe into the resistance.' That seems to help when I'm vibrating with exhaustion and ready to collapse into corpse pose.

Weight-loss is still on track - 22 lbs down and counting! Thankfully our last visit home didn't add any extra weight - but I sure didn't lose anything either. That may or may not have been because of that Ledo's pizza. I went a liiiiiittle bit nuts on that thing. I don't regret it! Too delicious to regret. Mushroom and pepperoni and some Cholula chipotle sauce and I'm in heaven. No wonder we were eating that weekly in Reston. Note to self - do not buy a home near a Ledo's.

I'm still job hunting but that is a sadly quiet affair. No nibbles on a thing! But that's okay, I'll just keep poking around. Also, after seeing Michelle in her wonderful production of Ragtime, I'm feeling a bit inspired to find somewhere to sing out here... a chorus or a show... I'll keep you all updated if I find something.

I will be back in the MD area briefly this upcoming weekend for my sister's baby shower. I'm really excited for the gender reveal cupcakes. Let's be honest, who wouldn't be excited for cupcakes period? And add on top a gender reveal? Best cupcakes ever!

That's a decent catch all post for now. Hopefully writing these book reviews and posting on here will keep me honest. With our traveling dying down for the summer after this weekend trip, it'll be nice to get a regular posting schedule set-up.

Pre-Race Day Jitters

It's almost time! I can't believe I've trained for and will be completing a half-marathon. If you had asked me what my running future looked like after that Presidio 10k.... it would be bleak. I was super excited to finish but the recovery from that race was agony. Coming to this point has been a huge accomplishment regardless of the outcome of this weekend's race. I owe a huge thanks to Ed for being my biggest cheerleader and coach through this process. He helped me through injury and bad mood and hunger-rage to get to a point where I actually love getting out and running (well, at least when I'm staring down a 2-5 miler). Thank you to my family for sending me love and support this whole time. But my biggest thanks? You guys who like my Nike+ Run links on Facebook and send me cheers through your mere click or comment. It has made such a huge difference in my training (special thanks to Jeanne for introducing me to it!). Unfortunately, I won't be able to use my headphones during the race so I won't be able to post and get your cheers on race day.

Sappy stuff aside... I am nervous! I know there's nothing I can do now except self-soothe and make sure the dialogue in my head is as positive as possible. My knee has been enjoying these short runs so I'm thinking it'll stay happy for Sunday. Unfortunately, I did have a bit of a health problem yesterday that warranted a visit to the doctor. There's a small chance it could cause some insurmountable problems in regards to finishing the race (or running at all - worst case scenario). I'm hoping a positive attitude and this medicine and all of your happy thoughts will keep me functioning in peak condition. Another thing that is nagging at me is the no-headphones thing. I totally understand why it has to be that way, I'm just worried about psyching myself out without music to distract me. Guess I should give Ed some talking points in the event I start freaking out a little!

Today we're going to blast off and take our time driving around the coast and Eureka and the redwoods, just exploring. Tomorrow will be more of the same. Sunday, I believe our race start time is 730? 745? I should check on that... :) It should be 'cold' (57-60 degrees) which for me is perfection.

This race feels a bit like a transformative stage for me. After this I will retire these sneakers (the same ones I wore in those 10k pictures) and even those same pants. They are pretty saggy now that I've lost weight and worse, I've worn holes in them from all the use. It's kind of silly but I'll be sad to part with them. They represent such a huge shift in my life - moving across country, accomplishing things I've always wanted to do, losing weight - just generally being more proactive about life. I'm not exactly a go-getter but I've really pushed myself. What's that saying? Don't let perfection be the enemy of good? Something like that. I've learned that doing my best, even if it's not perfect, is more than enough to get me where I want to go.

I'll update again on Monday to let you know I'm still alive and to post pictures of the weekend and the race. I'll take deep breaths, wiggle my toes and we can all think happy thoughts together!

Bourdain, 12mi, 20lbs, Horsies, and pancakes!

Sorry everyone! I've been delaying writing a post for too long. I kept saying, 'Oh, I'll wait until something happens and I have something to write about.' Well, we went to see Anthony Bourdain and Eric Ripert talk, finished a 12 mile run, went horseback riding and ate pancakes and I didn't write after any of that!

The event with Bourdain and Ripert was alright. They are pretty funny together and it would have been a really interesting night if we hadn't read Bourdain's books and Ripert's Avec Eric. Ripert may be my favorite chef to date. One of the questions they were asked was if you were stuck on a desert island and couldn't lift a finger to cook, what three chefs would you bring along? I named Ripert right off the bat, but as Ed and I discovered, we could only name one or two other chefs whose food we had actually tasted and really loved. Tyler Florence was also on that list. We cook a good deal of special event meals from his cookbooks and we've loved every visit to Wayfare Tavern in the city (if you visit, you must try the burger, it is magical). They discussed the merits of west coast vs. east coast cooking, whether it's more important to have a good chef or good ingredients (they heartily disagreed on this point), and said California looked ridiculous for passing the ban on foie gras ('like a bunch of rubes' according to Bourdain). They also drank beer during the second half of the discussion and after all that talk of food and drink, watching someone drink a beer will make you thirstier than a marathoner in the Kalahari. One of my favorite moments was when it was revealed that Bourdain is not allowed to cook at home. His wife believes he's incapable of cooking Italian food correctly and is also on a protein kick for her martial arts training, so it's limited options for meals. He then compared his wife to a T-Rex Chuck Norris. Isn't that just a t-shirt waiting to be made?

The next weekend was peak training for me, culminating at a 12 mile run. It went about as well as can be expected. I feel as prepared as I can be for this race.

My super chic new running visor. You know, because it's essentially summertime out here now.

My runs have a pattern generally: a slowing at mile 3, but overall good first 5 miles, a small slowing again to mile 6, then pretty steady 7-10.5, and then the slog to the end. It was pretty ugly those last 1.5-2 miles. I haven't talked about it much because I don't want it to be a reality, but I'm having trouble with my knee. Some of you may remember the horrific move we made into this apartment on our own and how I injured my knee. It flares up every now and then (Yosemite and hikes generally), and these very long runs have been pretty brutal to it. I don't care if I have to walk that last mile or three to the end of this half marathon. I'm going to run as much as I can and finish what I started. Just... fingers crossed it's only moderately painful. I'm still really enjoying the training, more so now that my runs include some gentle 3-5 mile days.

Weight loss? I'm down 20lbs and counting!

Impromptu fashion show! Look at how I'm not completely busting out of my engagment party dress now. I could lift my arms and comfortably hug someone! So glad I didn't get rid of this number.

 I think I spooked Ed when I yelped in joy at the number on the scale. I think what is most exciting about all of this is that I might finally find out my 'happy weight.' It's been a couple years since I've been here at this weight (since 2007/2008). I've got a ways to go before I'll be in the 'healthy ranges' doctors recommend, but, I'm so proud of how far I've come. It's been VERY slow, but what I take away from that is that this is no yo-yo diet. I hate this phrase but, it has been a lifestyle change. I'm going to write a post on things I wish someone had told me before I started dieting and running soon.

My current secret weapon against sugar cravings: Coconut bread! I make it, eat one or two slices and then send the rest into work with Ed. Yay coworkers!

This past weekend we went horseback riding. I haven't been on a horse in ages but Ck and I used to go out with Mom in Gettysburg and ride a couple times. Ck even took some lessons if I remember correctly... seems like 100 years ago. The trail followed the coast line of Half Moon Bay, half up on the cliffs, half on the beach. It was pretty wonderful. Ed rode a horse named Texas and I rode Thumper. We decided at the end that we had very, very little input into the horse's decisions about how this ride was going to go. You guys know how much I love my romantic imaginings - re: me pretending I'm Jane on the Moors calling for Mr. Rochester on particularly foggy, quiet runs - so of course I was encouraging Ed to imagine himself as Mr. Darcy. I'm not sure he was 100% on board and may have been partial to the cowboy side of horseback riding, but he did say he felt very manly riding a horse. :)

Last but certainly not least, this past weekend I. ate. pancakes. 

I haven't had pancakes in a bazillion years (that's an exact number, I've been counting). Okay I should be clearer, I ate a pancake. Singular. One. And it was the greatest pancake. I know there's not much variation, especially when it comes to the kind of pancake I like (plain - absolutely nothing in it, especially not blueberries or chocolate chips - sacrilege!), but it is still such a treat to get a nice fluffy, delicious pancake.

And yes, pancakes DO rank right up there with Anthony Bourdain, weight loss, 12 mile runs and horseback riding.

And just in case you were wondering what my upcoming race looks like:

It took awhile to track down this elevation map, and my response when I saw it? I did NOT do enough hill training. This could be rough.

Six days until race day!

A little announcement!

It's been a quiet week, but I've got a little announcement (no. not pregnant!).

Plans are in the works for visits back to MD. We'll be in the area the week of May 20th bouncing around visiting family and friends. I'll also be making a quick visit to MD again early in June for Ck's baby stuffs. I'm pretty pumped to see everyone. Especially because it looks like we'll be extending our stay out here for a bit longer everyone.

They are thrilled!

I know, I know, the last time we all talked I said we would be back on the East Coast at the end of summer. and that was the plan. But some hard to turn down offers came up and now we're looking at another year or two out here. Everything is good and we're very excited. Clearly, Apple just doesn't want to let a good thing go - a sentiment I can fully understand. Just think, it gives you all another two years to come visit and enjoy the California life for a little while! And it gives me more time to try to convince Ed how convenient a visit to Hawaii would be from here... I kid, I kid... mostly. :)

Now, with that announcement out of the way, I can fill you in on the week. We've got ballroom dancing classes lined up again and just like before, I'm pretty excited. Fingers crossed it doesn't get canceled due to low enrollment again!

Training is going according to plan. I did 9 miles this past Sunday. Never in my life would I have imagined being able to run 9 miles. Of course I don't think it's running, I would say it's more like jogging. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Tirade time!

I have to remind myself of the above sentiment so often. There's nothing wrong with how fast I'm running. I go as fast as I can but that doesn't stop me or others from judging my pace as being 'embarrassingly slow.' No, no one has ever said that to my face, but friends and family have said that about themselves and when I read that on Facebook or Fitocracy it completely gets under my skin. They aren't just saying 'this was a bad run.' They say running an 11 or 12 min mile is bad and embarrassing. Those are verbatim the words they use.

Here's the thing. My average pace, on my really long runs, is an 11 to 11:30 mile. Other runs my miles are 10:30, some are 9:30, and I even eeked out a 9 min mile the other day. You may think that's really slow, you may laugh, but I'm working damn hard. My heart rate hovers around 180 the whole run, I can't talk during the run, and hey, you know, I've lost just about 15 pounds so far since I really got serious about running and dieting in February. I feel very proud of my progress. But I still get these bouts of intense shame about my pace. When I see someone say how embarrassing that time is, it makes me despair. I know it's not about me and it's each person's own battle. I just think it's one thing to say, hey, this was a really bad run for me, and another thing to say a certain pace is embarrassing or shameful. It's a really small thing, but you never know who is reading your words and taking inspiration or taking discouragement.

End of tirade!

On a lighter note (get it? get it?) check out my tan line from my running capris! Sexy right?

Easter was quiet and wonderful. Ed made the most delicious leg of lamb and we celebrated the end of Walking Dead and the start of Game of Thrones with two donuts from Psycho Donuts. We have a TON of leftovers and the one person in Ed's office who is always giving us leftovers (I was eager to reciprocate) is out of the office. Of course. Looks like all lamb dinners this week!

I finished two books, Requiem and May I Be Happy? which I both recommend if you enjoyed the Hunger Games series and Eat Pray Love respectively. 

 

I'm trying to rekindle my reading passion but I haven't found a book that really speaks to me since reading Where'd You Go Bernadette? I know I'll find something out there! I'm keeping my eyes open and dragging my feet through some other books in the meantime.

"The summit doesn't differ from the deep, dark valley"

Sadly, our ballroom dancing class was canceled. Under-enrollment. Boooooo. I've always wanted to take a couples dancing class. I know it'll happen one day.

We found other ways to kill time this weekend though, namely the Chowder Cook-Off on the Santa Cruz boardwalk and the Mystery Spot! What's the Mystery Spot you say? Well check it out:

They say it's some sort of gravitational vortex thingamajig, (yeah, that's the technical term for it) or just a highly effective visual illusion. Though, if you visit the place, I think you'll be surprised at how much it'll influence you. 

Our guide Ana demonstrated how this seemingly upwards slanted plank with a groove in it pours water out - uphill? It's all pretty amazing.

She warned us that we might feel dizzy and disoriented and there was a railing we could hold onto if need be. I laughed, what me? need that? no way! uh, yes way. I took maybe five steps and then made my way to the railing to hold on.

This is what we all looked like...

If Ed had wanted he could have placed his right foot on the wall and lean out even more away from the way.

Annnnd I ran (read: stumbled) out of there pretty quick. :)

So after that mind bending experience, we made our way down to the boardwalk for the chowder cook off. We've never been there before and I am pleased to report it did not disappoint. It was massively crowded and I think we might enjoy it a bit more in slightly warmer weather and with slightly fewer people.

The chowder cook off got crazy real quick, so I only snapped one pic of the places we tested. We first tried the Santa Cruz Firefighters as seen below, and then we tried.... "jam out with your clam out" and "rack o'clams" and "Amish Paradise" and "family divers." Our favorite was Jam out's, that had this herbal/bacon-y, briny Boston chowder. We only tried one Manhattan style since I'm not a huge fan of that in general. It tasted like vegetable soup with some clams so... there's that.

It was a great adventure. On the way back we stopped through Saratoga to explore a bit. Found some places I'm excited to take Michelle when she visits. Brian and Ed can always hang out at this Irish cocktail lounge nearby...

I keep meaning to post this below, it's the underside of the overpass of 17 near our house. I love little insertions of color into daily life like this. I don't get to see the lights often, I run here every other day, but always in the daytime.

Other than all of the above it's been quiet here. I've been dieting. I had a doctor's appointment and some bloodwork done that really lit a fire under my butt. I'm not dying, but there are some things that could be serious if ignored for the next 10 years. Adding family planning on top of that, I've always wanted to be as healthy as possible for having kids - namely, not overweight or having high cholesterol or elevated blood sugar - and I'm certainly not there. So I'm dieting. And it has made me SUPREMELY grumpy. I'm still running as well and getting a bit further and faster. But the dieting... blerg. It turns me into a monster. I know there's nothing wrong with being hungry and I know I eat too much. But tell that to me at 10:30 in the morning and 3:30 in the afternoon and I will punch you in the face. I just try to remind myself that high school kept me on a regular diet that really worked. I don't want to bore you with more talk of weight loss, suffice it to say, it's working, and it's hard, and I can't say I like it, but I've got some increased motivation this time around. Thanks doc! So forgive me if you speak to me during my grumpy times, it's not you I swear, it's that I'm desperately trying to remember what your face looks like instead of the talking blueberry muffin my stomach is projecting.

What to look forward to next week? I'm reading The Magicians and I'm in love. Anyone else a fan? Also, next Monday will be the last many of you hear from me for awhile because the brand new SimCity releases next Tuesday! And Sims 3 University Life! So yeah, my schedule is full up :)

Reverb12 Day 5 - Letting Go

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

5. Dec 5th:  Letting go: For next year, I’m letting go of…

I'm letting go of holding on. 
Holding onto: 

The idea that losing weight is the be all and end all of being attractive. 
The idea that having a job makes you a successful adult. 
The memories of all the times I've embarrassed myself or disappointed others, in work, on stage, in school, in relationships. 
The concerns over what everyone around me thinks of my life. 
The fear I've failed to live up to the expectations people had of me when I was in high school. 
The idea that my 'best me' was in high school. 
The jealousy of others happiness and success.
The worry that there is nothing I can do that will be new and unique and good enough.
The anger I feel when I judge myself to be less-than.
The all consuming fear I have of illness or that something is medically wrong with me.
The fear of getting hurt. 


I know that by letting go of these ideas, at least in part, can allow me to do the following:

Be happier with my body as it is, and lose weight to be healthier, to have healthier children.
Be accomplished without employment.
Be kinder to my current and past self.
Be gentler to my friends and family no matter what their opinions.
Be accepting of myself now, not the self I could have been.
Be mindful that I am still the same person I was in high school. I have not "lost" that.
Be a better, more loving friend, wife, and relative.
Be open to the possibility of unique ideas, that while experiences are shared, it's only me bouncing around in this head of mine, and that is enough in itself.
Be freer to make mistakes without fear of punishment from myself.
Be healthier by fostering positive thoughts about my health and body.
Be able to, without the paralyzing fear of falling and getting hurt, ride a bike again! :)

The end of this year has mostly been about reflection and being tied up in my own head. This next year holds some big changes for us and I'm sure I'll need to change my 'letting go's' to more physical, external tasks that I will need to just say no to. But for now, I'll keep them as little guides to being a better me this next year.

"I think I found my place, can't you feel it growing stronger?"

Ok so I lied to you all again, I said I would blog about Bay to Breakers as the next post buuuuut I'm waiting on a friend to post his pictures. Funny thing, when you're actually running a race, it makes it pretty hard to take pictures of all the goofy stuff going on around you. It was a ton of fun, I've never seen so many sweaty naked men up close before... Lots of great costumes and the mood was just jovial. The pace was especially nice, considering I'm a slow poke. So while my time was worse than the 10k by a min/mi or two, I felt better about the run and my recovery time was only about 1 day, versus the 3 day utter incapacitation from the 10k. Now I'm faced with how to motivate myself to continue running without the pressure of a race to train for... I did just yesterday, purchase an app that has audio simulation of you being chased by zombies while you're on missions to collect items for your base camp (it's called Zombies, Run!), and it's pretty amusing. I'm excited about the idea of just being a runner, someone who can go out and just do a couple miles to stay in shape. And it will certainly make strength training and weight loss easier now that I'm not pushing for distance. Someday I'd like to get back into distance running (if you're interested, 7.46mi is my longest distance to date), but for now I'm gonna really buckle down on the weight loss aspect. And that's what I've been doing for the past two and a half weeks I'd say... and it's finally starting to pay off.

I've officially lost about 4lbs from my recent efforts after maintaining a solid 200lbs for the past 3 or 4 months of training, I've now left the 200's. I haven't been under 200 in maybe... a year? Two? So it's a fantastic feeling. Of course I'm impatient and really ready to lose more, but it's slow goings. Mostly, I'm so proud of myself. I've never really lost weight before, only gained, so being able to be completely in control, to be the only reason I have lost the weight is amazing. Ed was supportive but it wasn't because he forced me to do anything. I didn't have to resort to any program or book or diet plan as a crutch. I didn't have a traumatic experience. I just pulled myself up by my bootstraps and realized the only way to do this, is to do it.

A big (truly, a HUGE) thing I had to come to terms with is that there is no way to lose weight by exercising. You have to modify your diet. (I can hear you readers saying 'duh' as I type this, I know) Even if you exercise like crazy, there's no way you can burn off all that you eat - and like I found, your body will probably just shut down on you if you try. All the exercising makes me feel strong, and hell, I am strong now. I can do a ton of push-ups, and I can press 5 (well now almost 10) pounds more than my entire body weight with my legs. That's kinda awesome right?! I think so :) I notice all the little things that have changed... My arms and legs have definition, I don't get winded so easily... I can do videos and exercises that a year ago made me ill with exhaustion. Such a great feeling.

On another note, it's officially under 100 days til the wedding!!! The invitations are in the process of being put together as we speak and if you must know, they are incredible. I cannot wait for people to get them. They fit the wedding and our personality so well. I hope they make people smile like I did when I saw them. Joe has done beautiful work. It's crazy to think in a little over 3 months, I'll be married to an amazing man and off to the Grenadines.. .to work on my tan of course. And by tan I mean freckles. And by freckles I mean burns. All the little pieces of wedding things are coming together: I have the bridesmaids gifts, hair & makeup plans, wood working things are being built, photobooth backdrop, rough plan for food and snacks - possible popcorn machine?, guestbook quilt is coming together, bunting, memorial candles for Opa and for Ed's dad... all the little things are actually starting to get done or taking shape. It feels great and I can't wait to have all our friends and family come in and just have fun with us. I'll start documenting my crafts soon since all my races are over with and it's crunch time for building things.

Ok so I promise, I'll post pictures and give a full recap of the craziness of the race and post-race loveliness with friends and Dad & Debbie next time... or the time after that possibly :-P til then!

"I'm sorry but I'm beginning to hate your face"

So this will be a very meeee centered blog post without many exciting tales of our adventures... you've been warned! :)

Regarding my weight loss endeavors, I've been really stalled out. I'm still running as much as I can, yesterday was a solid 6.5 jog. And yes, let me clarify, when I say I run, I really mean I jog. Those of you that read this blog know that I am no lithe dancer who floats off the ground. So in reality, my zaftig self is really doing more of a plodding jog. But it's a plodding jog for 6.5 miles so I ain't ashamed of anything in that department. I have faith that when I shed a little more weight I'll may truly be 'running' in the future. But weight loss? Nada. I've even tried checking my measurements, and we're looking at nada there too. Impossible you say? Well I guess not.

So spurred on by my first fitting for my wedding dress (which fits perfectly as is, so this weight loss is just icing on the cake... mmmmm icing...) in June, I've doubled/tripled my routine. I'm still weight training and running, and I'm adding Jillian Michaels videos, more Just Dance cardio time, and more general body weight training on top of my previous schedule. This brings me to the title of the blog, because some days when I am beat to hell, I really hate Jillian Michaels face. When she calls me out on my excuses or slacking (rightfully so), I want to throw my dumbbell through the television. I'm sure Bob would be much nicer.... :-P

I am tired. It's kind of amazing the difference between training for distance runs and training to lose weight. My runs are so much more difficult after all the extra training time. And another thing that's changed? My alcohol tolerance. I've not been very aware of how dehydrated I've become from the extra work, so the past week you can imagine my shock when I was under the table with a debilitating headache from two beers! Oy. Just another readjustment. Strangely, my eating seems to have improved along with my increased exercise, but that could also be because the grocery store is literally flooded with amazing produce right now. It's been really fun loading up on all the fresh greens, and mountains of fragrant berries.

Another major thing helping me? So many of my friends and friends of friends are exercising right now. And I've discovered I am an insanely competitive person. That competitiveness can take me pretty far. Ed, who is training for a marathon, has lost so much weight and looks amazing. I joined Fitocracy thanks to Evyan, and not long after Michelle and Felicia joined the bandwagon. Mac is training for the Tough Mudder in the fall, and his wife Megan rejoined Jenny Craig. I've long been inspired by my friend Lisa who has already done the Tough Mudder and a whole host of other races. With all of them working so hard it just makes me want to sprint to catch up and not get left behind.

I love that there are just so many people trying to change their lives, and it makes me want to work all the harder. It's a popular quote on pinterest too, "Somewhere there is someone busier than you, running right now." And I remind myself: I am unemployed. I live in beautiful California where the weather can never be my excuse. I have a wedding coming up. I have a super supportive partner/friends/family who is/are cheering me on. There is no reason to not be exercising like my life depends on it... which it kinda does, doesn't it? And not that it'll be happening in the before-the-wedding-future, I want to be in the best shape possible for when we start a family thanks to news like this New York Times article. And if you were wondering? My BMI is 30, right on the qualifying line for obese - about 40 lbs away from healthy weight BMI.

I'm hoping the next post will be lighter and cover more wedding stuff. The following post should address Bay to Breakers!!! :) As long as my iPhone cooperates, you can expect many pictures of amazing costumes and some nudity (definitely not my own). I'm pretty excited. After that event it'll be about time for me to visit MD. And I'm more than pretty excited for that.

"This is a game and you are going to win it."

Ahhhh frustration! I finally hit my first roadblock with running. I had my first 5 mile run this past weekend and I really hit a wall at about 4.25 miles. Now I would like to chalk this up to the hole I had run into my sock, creating a blister, altering my gait and creating some debilitating hip flexor pain, combined with a long visit from Ed's friend during which we may have dehydrated ourselves more than usual.... But it was probably just me reaching a limit I need to re-adjust to. It's always so frustrating to find that place where you know you aren't really strong enough to pass yet. Over this next week I'll be able to work up to it and past it, I just need to get used to running 4 miles I think...

Ed ran with me this weekend (he was very kind to run at about 1/4 speed to keep pace with me) and I realized that for the first time I don't need music to workout to because I'm not so out of shape that I have to tell myself 'just make it through this one song and then you can change your pace on the next song.' What a huge accomplishment, and I never even acknowledged it! I've gone from being able to run for 1 minute at a time, to 3-5 mins at a time, to now, where I can run for an hour! That's just so huge I can hardly fathom I'm actually doing that. Of course I want to run faster and further, but in terms of accomplishments, my endurance levels have never been so amazing. And with 2 weeks until my first 10k, I think I'm in a decent place. :)

I finished reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, which is a really insightful book. I think one of the biggest take aways from the book for me was that you really have to be yourself, and know what makes you happy. That there are all of these things in the world that you would like to make you happy, but they really don't. For example, I really, REALLY wish I liked fashion and high heels. I love the way nice clothes look and I own all of these heels I think look amazing. But... I never wear them. I don't wear fancy clothes or heels, I find it expensive and uncomfortable. I feel pressure to like them, I feel like I should like heels and nice clothes and  that dressing up should be something that makes me happy. But it doesn't. I avoid it like the plague, even as I'm saying 'Oh that outfit is so cute! I love those shoes! I bet that would make me feel content and beautiful' I'll be pulling my hair into a 'Meredith Grey' (see here) and throwing on my gap jeans and old navy hoodie and Adidas sneakers. It's a viscous cycle... I believe that if I dress up I'll be happy, but I never dress up because I find it uncomfortable, and then I'm down on myself for not doing something I don't like in the first place! It's so silly, it's a great deal of energy spent on something crazy. I just have to remember to 'Be Carly.' That sneakers, jeans, a t-shirt, and a "flaccid mound of hair" are perfectly fine because that is what makes me happy and comfortable.

Wedding stuff is coming together. Joe is working away at the invites, hotels booked, wedding website almost finished-up, have materials prepped for the guestbook, have a new idea for favors.... I'm truly just dragging my feet about dealing with reception details. I've started looking, and that seems to be the best way for me to get things done, to just start researching. So many details to juggle.

And you know what else I've found? I think I'm really okay with my body as it is. I could stand to lose weight, in general I would like to, and I will at some point. But I feel absolutely no pressure to lose weight to be in my dress. It fits just right as I am now and no image of a skinny me in a wedding dress for a day feels better than my homemade ice cream tastes. :-P I'll get healthier, but it won't be for some single event, it'll be for me and for a much longer period than a wedding day or honeymoon.

Last thought in regards to my title, I was listening to Jillian Michaels' podcast with Bob Harper guest staring and one of Bob's mottos is: "This is a game and I am going to win it." He even told Jillian to think of adoption in that light. Whatever the challenge, it is a game, and you are going to win it. So excuse me while I go win at running 5 miles :)

"Looks like you're not happy, 'less I open a vein!"

Back on the East coast, I felt a bit like Seymour when it came to growing plants. Never did get to the point of feeding them blood... But here on the West coast Ed and I seem to be having a lot more success! I've taken another step towards turning into my Omi, spending my day moving plants around to follow the sun, running pots up and down stairs and re-configuring things to water. It feels great to get things growing. I've been told you could plant a 2x4 in the ground out here and it'd bloom, but still, I'd like to think we're at least partially to blame for all the greenery around us. Ed has masterminded a grow station for us to use on the not so sunny days:

The top picture is the grow station (which looks a little different now, we added a second light on the bottom and traded out some of those plants for new seedlings), the middle is our herb wall on the back porch, and the bottom picture has our main chives plant and the healthier of the sweet peas. Outside we have a cat-mint plant, rosemary and two more pea plants. Ed's working on growing cabbage and we may even get really ambitious and try a potato planter. Building and setting that up will be a small adventure! (Something like this in theory: http://www.re-nest.com/re-nest/gardening/how-to-grow-100-pounds-of-potatoes-in-4-square-feet-081760) I cannot express how nice it is to have green things around. Fresh veggies and fruit laid out on the counter, fresh herbs growing within eyesight, and the smell of the peppermint when I water it? It's just such a calming, clean feeling. I suppose at some point I'll have to fill everyone in on Ed and I's fantasy future (but if you want a general idea it'd be something like Beekman Boys minus the commercialism and the stylishness). But that's for another entry!

Aside from growing, it's been quiet. I've been doing an excessive amount of research for the wedding. Can anyone explain to me why weddings are so ridiculously expensive and pressure-filled with 'should-haves'?? Anyone? How do people not have nervous breakdowns about this stuff!? I have nightmares about there being food, but no seats. Or seats, but no food or music. Or food and music and seats and flowers but 5 five guests. I mean... how does everyone include everything? Maybe I'll make the next post about wedding ideas and where things stand with that (disclaimer - I won't post often about the wedding because I find it much more fun and relaxing and interesting to talk about everything else I'm into :) )

Follow-up on the weight loss: 
Exercising is still coming along. I still want to die after working out, but I'm at least doing it. The diet part... Well. That's not coming along as great.... I've decided to start trying one vegetarian meal a week for dinner, any suggestions readers? I've added oatmeal back into my mornings and I feel like that should Oh! I almost forgot, in regards to exercise, I've been using the Wii to track my progress and trying some new video games and well, um, how come no one told me how freaking AMAZING Just Dance 3 is?!?! That is on my x-mas wish list for sure! Any game that has the choreography to Robin Sparkles "Let's Go To the Mall" from How I Met Your Mother is a WIN in my book.