"WeeeEEEeee are never ever ever..."

Well. Talk about an epic fail of follow through. I know, I know, I said I would get pictures up... I'm just the worst at follow through in case you haven't noticed. It will happen.. but probably not for awhile. But! But! Don't leave me dear reader, because the next time I post it will be about our new apartment. And after that, (even more thrilling) I will be posting about my wedding! And then the honeymoon in the Grenadines. And I honestly could not show my face on this blog if I posted about any of those three events without pictures. That would be truly shameful.

The townhouse is currently in a state I would call warehouse chic. Boxes everything, shelving dismantled, Spackle on the walls, barren bookcases, everything in a state of disarray. I know it has to be this way, but man do I hate it. I'm not the cleanest, or most orderly person in the world, but I like for my home to have a lived in look. A well-loved look. Worn in rugs and furniture, flowers, lots of light, library books, sleeping cats, and produce on the counter. Chaos and cardboard do not evoke this feeling. I'm ready to get on with the move. I'm currently reading the book I won, Happier At Home by Gretchen Rubin, and I'm reminded of her statement that "the days are long but the years are short." I feel as if it was just yesterday we were packing up our things to make our cross country trip, saying goodbye to everyone for a bit. But these handful of days before the weekend feel interminable. Just have to keep it all in perspective...

I've started exploring the possibility of doing my own happiness project. The idea intrigued me when I read the book, but for whatever reason I didn't feel ready. Reading the second book I feel more prepared to take on a little life change. Particularly one that isn't revolving around my weight. I'm fed up with that battle - maybe that's just my recent success talking though. Who just bought her first pair of skinny jeans in a size 14? This gal! That may sound big to some, but that's a size smaller than I've been wearing for the past two, gosh, maybe even 3 years.

My first task is to come up with some resolutions... I've got a couple ideas so far to share with you guys:
-Have greater faith in my abilities and dreams
-Be a better friend
-Be a better daughter & granddaughter
-Be more adventurous
-Be more playful, less dire and critical
-Be more energetic
-Be more productive, waste less time
-Be more loving with Ed
-Be more fastidious with our home

Those are some of the big ones. Now I have to work on assigning tasks that fall under each resolution so I can make a chart and check off my progress. Rubin points out that it's much easier to track your progress when you have specific tasks instead of the general "be more playful." For instance, that could be broken up into:
1. Dance for 5 minutes
2. Play with the cats for 5 minutes every day
3. Tell Ed a cheesy joke every day
4. Do a somersault once a day. <--(Learn something new everyday, had no idea that's how you spell somersault. Always thought it was summersault...)

Any suggestions for tasks? I'm all ears. I'll share more of my happiness project as it develops.

In the meantime I'll be reading Happier At Home, and Feast for Crows (fiiiiiinally!) and putting the final touches on my warehouse chic home theme.


P.S.  I don't know what is wrong with me but I cannot stop listening to Taylor Swift's new song. It makes me feel like I'm 13 again! :)

"This is a game and you are going to win it."

Ahhhh frustration! I finally hit my first roadblock with running. I had my first 5 mile run this past weekend and I really hit a wall at about 4.25 miles. Now I would like to chalk this up to the hole I had run into my sock, creating a blister, altering my gait and creating some debilitating hip flexor pain, combined with a long visit from Ed's friend during which we may have dehydrated ourselves more than usual.... But it was probably just me reaching a limit I need to re-adjust to. It's always so frustrating to find that place where you know you aren't really strong enough to pass yet. Over this next week I'll be able to work up to it and past it, I just need to get used to running 4 miles I think...

Ed ran with me this weekend (he was very kind to run at about 1/4 speed to keep pace with me) and I realized that for the first time I don't need music to workout to because I'm not so out of shape that I have to tell myself 'just make it through this one song and then you can change your pace on the next song.' What a huge accomplishment, and I never even acknowledged it! I've gone from being able to run for 1 minute at a time, to 3-5 mins at a time, to now, where I can run for an hour! That's just so huge I can hardly fathom I'm actually doing that. Of course I want to run faster and further, but in terms of accomplishments, my endurance levels have never been so amazing. And with 2 weeks until my first 10k, I think I'm in a decent place. :)

I finished reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, which is a really insightful book. I think one of the biggest take aways from the book for me was that you really have to be yourself, and know what makes you happy. That there are all of these things in the world that you would like to make you happy, but they really don't. For example, I really, REALLY wish I liked fashion and high heels. I love the way nice clothes look and I own all of these heels I think look amazing. But... I never wear them. I don't wear fancy clothes or heels, I find it expensive and uncomfortable. I feel pressure to like them, I feel like I should like heels and nice clothes and  that dressing up should be something that makes me happy. But it doesn't. I avoid it like the plague, even as I'm saying 'Oh that outfit is so cute! I love those shoes! I bet that would make me feel content and beautiful' I'll be pulling my hair into a 'Meredith Grey' (see here) and throwing on my gap jeans and old navy hoodie and Adidas sneakers. It's a viscous cycle... I believe that if I dress up I'll be happy, but I never dress up because I find it uncomfortable, and then I'm down on myself for not doing something I don't like in the first place! It's so silly, it's a great deal of energy spent on something crazy. I just have to remember to 'Be Carly.' That sneakers, jeans, a t-shirt, and a "flaccid mound of hair" are perfectly fine because that is what makes me happy and comfortable.

Wedding stuff is coming together. Joe is working away at the invites, hotels booked, wedding website almost finished-up, have materials prepped for the guestbook, have a new idea for favors.... I'm truly just dragging my feet about dealing with reception details. I've started looking, and that seems to be the best way for me to get things done, to just start researching. So many details to juggle.

And you know what else I've found? I think I'm really okay with my body as it is. I could stand to lose weight, in general I would like to, and I will at some point. But I feel absolutely no pressure to lose weight to be in my dress. It fits just right as I am now and no image of a skinny me in a wedding dress for a day feels better than my homemade ice cream tastes. :-P I'll get healthier, but it won't be for some single event, it'll be for me and for a much longer period than a wedding day or honeymoon.

Last thought in regards to my title, I was listening to Jillian Michaels' podcast with Bob Harper guest staring and one of Bob's mottos is: "This is a game and I am going to win it." He even told Jillian to think of adoption in that light. Whatever the challenge, it is a game, and you are going to win it. So excuse me while I go win at running 5 miles :)

"Cause we don't know how to back down"

Honestly, I just don't give myself enough credit. I say I've been up to nothing and complain about not accomplishing much... but truly I have. I've been doing a lot. I've been learning to run a household on my own. Learning how to cook. Reading a TON. I even signed up on GoodReads to read 36 books this year and I believe I can do it. I've started weight-lifting. I'm an amazing bargain shopper for groceries. My German is getting better every day. And I've actually stuck to a diet. Let's talk about that for a minute....

I don't believe in diets. Especially not fad diets. I believe in everything in moderation. That's what my Omi says and she's the only 80+ person I know that still mulches her own garden with 50 lbs. bags, mows her own lawn, and basically does things I'm positive half of my friends are incapable of doing. So. If Omi says this, it must be true! Now that being said, I'm on this diet. It's a sister prescribed diet. Basically it involves powder shakes and elimination of everything that one could be allergic to or could cause one inflammation (meat, dairy, soy, peanuts, booze)... Let's just call this category of food "everything I love." It's short term so I'm really just a big baby for complaining about it, so I won't do much of that. But I will say my sister told me to do it so I'm doing it. Those of you who say I could have refused Ck, well you clearly haven't met her. Ed is also doing this with me. I believe he thinks I'm punishing him. In truth, I couldn't do it without him. When I feel like I could punch a toddler in the face to get my hands on a burger, I text him and he calmly explains I should probably just have a piece of fruit or do some stretches. The main point? I've actually stuck to it. I have not had one forbidden food, not a nibble or morsel or sip of anything I shouldn't be having. This is AMAZING. I never thought myself capable of self-restraint with food, and to be so very restrained... I thought I would explode or fail miserably. And I haven't. I've really done this completely and I'm so crazy proud of myself it's unbelievable. This is what my sister said would happen, this feeling of accomplishment. And so I would like to state publicly that my sister Carolyne K Neely is always right. :)

I've also been knitting a great deal, working on this amazing (and stupidly simple) idea from Living magazine to just make a giant blanket from all my leftover yarn. I love colorful things so this will be fantastic! 

And today I even accomplished one of the very things I wrote about on here ages ago. I said I wanted to do all these things after moving to California. That I was essentially going to become Carly to the Nth power. Well that hasn't happened yet BUT! I French braided my hair today! I've tried many, many miserable times, and today while watching Downton Abbey I thought, you know what. I want my damn hair out of my face and I can do this. Calmly. And I did!!!!!

Sure it's not as tight as it could be, and could be neater, blah blah blah... I wrote down that I was going to do something and I did it! Such a great feeling. 

It feels good to stick with something and just do it. And to know that I've truly followed through. Even in just the smallest, tiniest, silliest things, it's almost more important to then give yourself credit for accomplishing something. And related to that, I wanted to mention I want to try to focus on the positive more. I'm such a huge worrywort, and I did some testing for Stanford that said I was a highly risk oriented person. Meaning, I focus on EVERYTHING that could go wrong. So when you and I are walking down the pier at Fisherman's Wharf, I'm imagining all the sea beasts that will rise up and chomp me in half right in the midst of our lovely day out, instead of concentrating on just being present on that lovely afternoon.

 I believe you can cultivate a happier life. And I really want that. I don't want to end up as the wife/mother that is always freaking out. I want to be the kind of future wife and mother that is joyous and inspiring to her family. (Side note - my inspiration for this was thinking about how Jason and Ilana Kardell are the most positive, happy people I know and how that kid is damn lucky to have them as parents when that baby gets here in March). I've just been thinking and reading a lot lately about how so much of our lives focus on the complaining and the sarcasm and mean-making-fun, and it's nice to take some time to work on being genuine and forth-coming.