Reverb12 Day 13 - Do-Over

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

13. Dec 13: Do-Over: Of the things that happened this year, if you had the chance to do X all over again, what would it be?

Thankfully, I wasn't in need of any real do-overs this year. 

Of course, there are always little things I could change. I wish I had asked for more wedding pictures of the non-family guests. I wish there weren't so many of the pictures posted on Facebook, that it was a bit more private. I wish I had run more often after the wedding. I wish I had gone to the farmers markets more. I wish I had taken the time to have Mom show me how to sew while we were locked down for the hurricane (I was completely uninterested at the time for whatever lame reason). I wish we had gone out to meet new people more. I wish I called my Omi more. I wish I experimented more in the kitchen, for instance using this alien food!

But at the end of the day, I have no do-overs here. No "should'ves" that I actually believe were needed. It's all little stuff that wouldn't have changed those moments that were just fine. Perfect as they were in all their pieces. 

Reverb12 Day 12 - Unexpected Passion

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

12. Dec 12: Unexpected Passion:  What new hobby or interest piqued your passion this year?  Or did you think about an old passion in a new way?

Well this is easy! Though I hate to be so repetitive. 

As much as I'm struggling now, the start of this year was such a huge burst of energy and interest in running. I'd never been able to run for longer than a couple of minutes. I still run about as slow as I did before.... but running for an hour? Two hours? Beyond my wildest dreams. 

It's always seemed like something only thin people did. Or men. All the runners I knew were either always always thin, or newly thin or male. I didn't know anyone that looked like me that still ran. They walked. Or hiked. Or swam. Or lifted. Or did the elliptical. Or didn't do anything at all. I love all those things and I did those too... but I wanted to be the not-thin-girl who also ran. Maybe it was from seeing my Dad run all those times when I was a kid, riding my bike next to him.  Maybe it's my envy of all my friends I've seen in races or doing plyometrics on the high school theater stage as I watched from the wings. Maybe it's wanting to find some way to be active after letting ballet and basketball slip through my fingers. Maybe it's seeing how dedicated Ed is to getting out every morning.

I don't need to be fast or thin. I just have to get out there and run and I feel accomplished. It's a strange thing. I'm usually so overly competitive. I still struggle with trying to keep up with the crowd, whether it's a bunch of other runners or a bunch of little girls bowling next to me. But somewhere after 10 minutes in, I let it go and can simply be. Slow poke me, moving along. 

I would say I'm idealizing it, but I'm not. I look back at those posts where I wrote about the races... I think back on the races... the training... and I feel very clearheaded about how amazing it is that I did that. 

And to end it all on a light note, I re-found this commercial and remembered how much I loved it when I was training:

And yes, I'm still coveting those shoes :)

Reverb12 Day 11 - Small Pleasures

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

11. Dec 11: Small pleasures:  What small pleasures did you discover this year

California farmers markets. 

A kitchen full of beautiful produce, full of color and life. 

Living close enough to bike to your market.

Bulk foods from Sprout.

Sprout.

Kind people behind the fish counter at the market.

Leaving the library with two armloads of books I couldn't say no to.

Writing blog posts surrounded by books.

Running. (Never thought I'd say that!)

Weight-training.

Black coffee. (I'm usually a sucker for milk and sugar but I'm trying new things)

The salads at the Apple cafeteria.

Facetime. (I think that's probably a huge pleasure for me)

NPR Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast.

Alec Baldwin's Here's The Thing podcast.

My HappyLite first thing in the morning.

Ed's breakfast casserole.

Wearing sweaters and socks and long sleeved shirts to battle the chill.

The sound of rain in our courtyard, pooling under the window below us, creating a small stream.

Sleeping by the pool.

Walking from our room straight into the ocean.

Snorkeling.

Homemade ice cream.

Getting a good deal with coupons and sales. (Long live double coupon Wednesdays at Sprout!)

Ed's amazing gift for picking out perfect flowers every single time, and bringing me new ones each week. :)

Reverb12 Day 7 - Feast

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

7. Dec 7th: Feast: Hopefully you've had more than one spectacular meal in 2012, but what is the first that comes to mind?  Were you surrounded by family at the dining room table?  Sitting on a bench by the lake?  Bring us there

This year was full of so many good meals. 

Every single meal we had on our honeymoon was delicious. I still dream of that soft, flaky fish in that clean buttery sauce. The breakfasts with  rich rum-butter french toast.
The brunch we had at Omi's house the morning after our wedding... Aunt Dolly bringing all her irresistible homemade pickles and frying up okra in the cast iron skillet. Best fried okra I've ever had. Our dinner out at Animal in L.A. with CK, trying all of those dishes... those BBQ pork sliders that I could eat a million of, the spongy, creamy tres leches cake. My 26th birthday dinner at Wayfare Tavern in downtown San Francisco, and that incredible burger. The Ledo's pizza (that we desperately miss out here) that we had with Mom and Ken right before the hurricane trapped us all inside for a few days. Later we got to watch Omi enjoy the leftovers of that pizza on facetime. :)

I really can't pick one for my favorite meal. I can't even pick out my favorite cooking experience... I really enjoyed making chicken fricassee not that long ago. Made me feel like a real chef using a bundle of herbs! Maybe I could pin it on making that breakfast pizza for Ed's 30th birthday. That was a great day and it was exactly the kind of ridiculous, fun, over-the-top man-food that you can't help but laugh at and then devour.

As we speak I'm in the midst of making my cookies boxes and I never want to eat another cookie again... but I'm in love with the process. Not just the process of making the cookies, where the kitchen very quickly progresses into total chaos, (I was wearing more flour yesterday than what ended up in the cookies. In fact, I'm sure there's a fine layer of it over here on the dining room table now that I look around me...) but the process of cleaning. I hate the very beginning of cleaning- where you are staring down that sky-high pile of dishes and food debris everywhere. My feelings start to change at that point when you can finally see just a glimmer of clean space being cleared.... a corner of the sink, a portion of the counter top cleared and freshly wiped down. It is only then, after the goods are made, the people are full, the leftovers put away and the sink cleared, that is when I feel like a real homemaker. 

I kinda strayed from the point of this prompt, oops! Oh well, back to making cookies!

Reverb12 Day 6 - Intention

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

6. Dec 6th: Intention:  What were some of your mantras from 2012 and how did you come by them?  Will they remain the same for next year – if not, what new ones will you set?

I can think of only one. I was listening to a podcast done by Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser. I'm not a huge fan of her, but I am a huge fan of Bob Harper who was a guest on her show this particular episode. I've read his most recent book, Skinny Rules, which I really enjoyed. It changed my perception of weight loss and exercise. That book made me finally come to terms with the fact that exercise is just not enough. In fact, it plainly seems to not be the answer for weight loss at all. It is the answer to getting healthy... a healthy heart, mind, and body. But to paraphrase what Bob said, there's no amount of gym-work he could beat out of you to make up for a poor diet. Back to the podcast. Bob and Jillian were talking about things they loved and inspiration, and Bob mentioned a phrase he heard (if I remember correctly, while participating in CrossFit sessions):

"This is a game and I am going to win it."

I really took to that. Using it for weight loss and exercising and just anything in my life I was struggling with. Even the wedding! 

"This is a game and I am going to win it." 

And I have no one else to compete with! I, sadly, do very poorly with competition. I get so discouraged so easily. I'd like to be hardier so I'm working on being a better sport, but regardless, when it came to this game I was only competing with myself. 


I choose what winning means and there really isn't a 'losing' mark because this game just keeps going. I'm keeping this mantra for the next year because it reminds me to focus on my own journey and to keep going because there is no end to it. No matter what everyone else is doing, I cannot use them as a measuring stick to hold myself in comparison to... they are playing their own game. 

Reverb12 Day 5 - Letting Go

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

5. Dec 5th:  Letting go: For next year, I’m letting go of…

I'm letting go of holding on. 
Holding onto: 

The idea that losing weight is the be all and end all of being attractive. 
The idea that having a job makes you a successful adult. 
The memories of all the times I've embarrassed myself or disappointed others, in work, on stage, in school, in relationships. 
The concerns over what everyone around me thinks of my life. 
The fear I've failed to live up to the expectations people had of me when I was in high school. 
The idea that my 'best me' was in high school. 
The jealousy of others happiness and success.
The worry that there is nothing I can do that will be new and unique and good enough.
The anger I feel when I judge myself to be less-than.
The all consuming fear I have of illness or that something is medically wrong with me.
The fear of getting hurt. 


I know that by letting go of these ideas, at least in part, can allow me to do the following:

Be happier with my body as it is, and lose weight to be healthier, to have healthier children.
Be accomplished without employment.
Be kinder to my current and past self.
Be gentler to my friends and family no matter what their opinions.
Be accepting of myself now, not the self I could have been.
Be mindful that I am still the same person I was in high school. I have not "lost" that.
Be a better, more loving friend, wife, and relative.
Be open to the possibility of unique ideas, that while experiences are shared, it's only me bouncing around in this head of mine, and that is enough in itself.
Be freer to make mistakes without fear of punishment from myself.
Be healthier by fostering positive thoughts about my health and body.
Be able to, without the paralyzing fear of falling and getting hurt, ride a bike again! :)

The end of this year has mostly been about reflection and being tied up in my own head. This next year holds some big changes for us and I'm sure I'll need to change my 'letting go's' to more physical, external tasks that I will need to just say no to. But for now, I'll keep them as little guides to being a better me this next year.

Reverb12 Days 1-4

I knoooow I said these would be shorter but well.... I had to play catch up! I swear I'll be better about posting smaller things. I swear :)

For the month of December I'm following a prompt-a-day format that I found on a blog I thoroughly enjoy, Tenaciously Yours. Explanation of #Reverb12 can be found here.

Dec 1st: Where it began: Review and reflect – how did 2012 begin for you? Tell us how the year kicked off; start your renewal by beginning again.

This year was a crazy one. Ultimately, it was my big 'year of accomplishment.' I ran a 10k, a 12k, explored California more (Monterey, Yosemite, L.A.), planned a wedding, traveled out of the country, got into weight lifting, read almost 60 books! (I'm only at 52 now I think but fingers crossed I can squeeze in the rest before the year is out) I started out this year so strong, running daily. I was so sure I couldn't run. I 'knew' I couldn't stay on a strict diet. I never thought I could press 220 lbs with my legs! But I did all of them. I felt strong and felt like a new person. Looking back over my posts from the beginning of the year, I just swelled with pride. It gives me a sense of faith, that I can do things, that I am capable and powerful. Lately I have not been feeling very much of that at all, so taking the time to look over where I was is very inspiring. I think I'll take a little of that drive from the start of the year and apply it to the closing of this year.

Dec 2nd: Help: Asking for help can be the hardest thing we ever do. When and how did you ask for help? Alternatively, did someone ask you for help and how did it play out?

Without help, this would not have been my 'year of accomplishment.' Ed was behind me all the way with my running. Suggesting training tips, making plans for me, running like a real slow poke to keep pace with me. 

My friends and family made my wedding happen. Plain and simple. Without them, the wedding just would not have come together. I am eternally indebted to you all for that. You made our wedding happen. You can take credit for that for the rest of your days. Christmas presents? Birthday presents? Forget them. You made our wedding happen so that is gift enough. At least for a little while.... kidding! :) 

It is humbling to show people how desperately you need them. And to tell them how thankful you are. I really love sending thank you notes now but on some level I worry that it's so mandated by manners that people don't take them seriously. I've received my fair share of cards from people that seem to be writing meaningless nothings just to show good form. At the same time, my H.S. boyfriend's older sister helped me get ready for my prom. She took me to the salon and drove me around to get ready, it was wonderful. But later she complained that I hadn't seemed grateful enough. I had thanked her and had an amazing day (I even went back to the same salon for my second prom, and I still have the lip gloss she bought me to this very day - I know, gross, I should probably throw it out now due to expiration, but it's so pretty!). I wish I had given her a card in retrospect, something tangible for her to see my gratitude. In summation, if you have any doubt about how thankful I am for all the help you may have provided me.... don't. I think about these things for years and years and years. When did I go to that prom? 2004. 8 years ago. 8 years ago and I am still grateful and wishing I could express it better. I will be thinking of your help for just as long!

Dec 3rd: Beautiful Things: What brought beauty into your life this year? Was it a tangible thing or something intangible? Tell us about it in detail.

This is a little too easy, but the wedding brought beauty into my life. Tangible and intangible. The obvious beauty of the day itself, the bits and pieces that added up to a wonderful day. The amazingly perfect cake and cake toppers (made moments before the reception). The bunting. The beautiful bridesmaids. My beautiful dresses. But... more beautiful than all of the pieces, was how close I was able to be with everyone. I haven't spent so much time with my family in ages and it was wonderful. Seeing family that I have not seen in years, and for some, I may sadly not see again. Spending time with people who matter deeply to me. You don't realize how much you miss it until it's back in your life again. Something as simple as getting together for SpaWorld or my amazing bachelorette party at a ropes course or chatting while we arranged flowers... Just being able to talk to and touch and be close to people you cherish is it's own kind of beauty. One of my favorite moments was when we were all dancing at the reception and it was all ages and groups and everyone was together and happy. Watching Omi get down with everyone. It's so sappy I know, and it's embarrassing that it makes me tear up thinking about it now, but, that is what beauty is for me. It's the overwhelming love I feel surrounded by people I care about, all happy, all goofy, all undone, all at the same moment. 

(Boy that reminds me I need to post part 2 of my wedding day! Oops! Hm, that sure won't be a short post. Guess I won't be able to keep my promise! Maybe next week...)

Dec 4th:  Place: What places anchored you this year? Or were you in search of new places and spaces to call your own and call home? Describe the place you love and why it means so much to you.

This is our second year out here in California... We moved on our own into a new, much smaller apartment. I do miss our townhouse... I miss our garden space and the lush, pebbled courtyard. I loved running through the grid of the neighborhoods training for races. I miss being squished between two grocery stores, so easily accessible. I miss downtown Mountain View and it's little strip of awesome restaurants and stores, the wine shop styled like a train station next to the actual Caltrain stop. 

I find myself exploring houses for sale in Maryland, imagining our options... Could we live out in the middle of nowhere on a beautiful yellow Victorian house with a chicken coop and raised beds in the garden.... or a mid-century ranch style home closer to civilization, without much of that space to play outside but maybe closer to the pool and park and playgrounds... or a townhouse (blech). I've seen some beautiful town homes and not minded living in them, but I so badly want that outdoor space to grow plants and animals. It's funny, all of the things I love about our homes in Mountain View, Campbell, Reston and Alexandria, involve things that I don't even think of when imagining my future home. The store probably won't be a block away. There's no such thing as a late night run for In & Out or Taco Bell if you're living in the country. I told Ed once that I'd like my neighbors to be within running distances because if ever get attacked by a pack of roving murders a la The Strangers I'll have a fighting chance. Theoretically.

That being said, I'm enjoying our apartment. I'm glad we downsized, knowing we will have to move again (and it will be a much bigger deal this next time). Downtown Campbell is really nice, and we've found some amazing places to eat and explore. The Los Gatos Trail is nice to run on and because I'm running the same way every time it helps me see how my training is going. It takes some effort and reminding on my part to stop and enjoy the moment. I loved Christmastime out here last year and was surprised how quickly it went by. I'm determined to enjoy it this year knowing it's probably our last in California. It's just too easy to let the current moment slip away, planning for a future that I could never and should never predict.

"Lock the doors, lower the blinds, fire up the smoke machine and put on your heels!"

A good solo weekend is never a bad thing. Ed was out in San Antonio with his friend having a man's weekend away so, I decided I was going to eat all the food that Ed doesn't particularly enjoy and see the movies Ed isn't interesting in seeing. Of course I have a couple other Carly-activities I'm throwing in just for kicks, like doing my nails and taking a nice long bath and lighting a bunch of candles and incense, and reading anywhere and everywhere, but those things I can do pretty much any day of the week while I'm home alone. This is going to be a huge lists post so... prepare yourself!

Movies

1. W/E 

This was pretty terrible. Half of it was bad acting, half was a terrible script. One character's whole backstory was given by one of the supporting actresses, addressing a lead with something like, 'Hey Sotheby's most accomplished researcher on Wallace Simpson, how are you today?!' Such painfully forced exposition. I was weirded out by how every woman seemed to be doing some copycat of Madonna herself. The costumes and jewelry were astoundingly beautiful, but you really can't enjoy it because the whole thing looks like an extended music video from 1994. Think, her Truth or Dare mating with the "Take a Bow" video. 

2. Magic Mike

I can't even critique this. We all know why we watched this movie and why we choose to watch it again, and it has nothing to do with any words from a review.

3. Brave

Not entirely relevant: I'm a sucker for red hair (this may have been brought up before and will be brought up many times again). It's a daily battle to not color my hair. So, I already love this character and as I told Lizzy, I think this is the most beautiful Disney movie I've ever seen. And the whole mother-daughter story? Definitely made me tear up, missing my own Mom :)

4. Margaret

 I so disliked this movie. I don't think I understood the message... people are good? bad? complicated? forced to do things by the Gods? Whatever. Now this movie, I was mad I sat through.

5. Young Adult

I strangely loved this movie. I usually loathe movies that are awkward and uncomfortable for humor's sake (i.e. Meet the Parents) but this movie was awkward in a very human way. I wouldn't say this is a 'funny' movie. It's hard to watch, and kind of sad, but because she's so unable to comprehend life and other people, I found it really interesting.

6. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Mom and Ken told me to watch this and I loved it. Made me laugh and tear up. It's generally nothing new, but it's refreshing to see a bunch of actors that have been playing a limited range of roles lately, get a chance to open up into other things. This movie just made me happy.

Books

I also squeezed in a huge amount of reading. Can we talk about my reading? It's been out of control lately. I can't go to the library without checking out at least 5 novels. I'm surrounded by piles of them right now. Let me list what I've got on tap:

1. Giving Up the Ghost by Eric Nuzum (non-fiction, memoir, paranormal)
2. Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson (non-fiction, memoir, LGBT)
3. When It Happens To You by Molly Ringwald (yep, that Molly Ringwald!) (Short stories, fiction, contemporary)
4. Stay Awake by Dan Chaon (short stories, horror, thriller)
5. Wild by Cheryl Strayed (non-fiction, memoir, travel)
6. Eat the City by Robin Shulman (non-fiction, history, New York, food)
7. Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott (Writer's guide, non-fiction, memoir)
8. Stay Close by Harlan Coben (Suspense)
9. The Forgetting Tree by Tatjana Soli (fiction, contemporary)
10. The Righteous Mind by Jonathan Haidt (non-fiction, politics, religion, philosophy,psychology, sociology)
11. The World Without You Joshua Henkin (fiction, contemporary, death, family)
12. A Partial History of Lost Causes by Jennifer duBois (historical and contemporary fiction)
13. Dance With Dragons by George R.R. Martin (fantasy, epic, adventure) Side note: it seems I will never finish this series. Le sigh.
14. thru 22. A series of writer guides, handbooks and general inspiration for authors.

I recently finished reading This Is How You Lose Her, which was... worth reading but required Urban Dictionary and a Spanish translation aid to really get it. I don't know if I agree with the hype surrounding it, but I'm not sorry I read it. I also read the two books of short stories, When It Happens To You  and Stay Awake . The Chaon book started strong and FREAKED ME OUT. Check out this passage:

"He can remember the way the child would slip barefoot through rooms, slinking, sneaking, watching, Gene had thought, always watching him.

It is a memory he has almost succeeded in forgetting, a memory he hates and mistrusts. He was drinking heavily at the time, and he knows that alcohol grotesquely distorted his perceptions. But now that it has been dislodged, that old feeling moves through him like a breath of smoke. Back then, it had seemed to him that Mandy had turned DJ against him, that DJ had in some strange way almost physically transformed into something that wasn't Gene's real son. Gene can remember how, sometimes, he would be sitting on the couch, watching TV, and he'd get a funny feeling. He'd turn his head and DJ would be at the edge of the room, with his bony spine hunched and his long neck craned, staring with those strangely oversize eyes."

I turned around so fast to make sure that child was not behind me when I read that. I even did it just now after typing. In fact, I just went around the apartment and turned on all the lights. It is a terrible choice of book to read for a weekend when you're home alone, but I really cannot resist a good opportunity to scare myself.

I never did make it out to see Twilight sadly... the longer I wait the more I think I'll just see it through Redbox. I did take some time to write. Those of you who know me remember that I used to journal somewhat obsessively. I really dropped off with that habit as soon as I finished college. In the past year and a half, I've written only about 100 pages. I found a prompt-a-day plan for December that is meant for blogs generally (named Reverb12) but I started it in my journal. It felt really good to put actual pen to paper again. I'll take pen and paper or typewriter over laptops any day of the week. I plan on posting a couple of the entries on here on other days of the week when I find them appropriate, but still leaving my big recap post for Monday mornings. So check back for more regular (and SHORTER) updates! :)