One Year

Hey guys! Thank you for all the well wishes on my birthday, it was a truly awesome day and I'll recap more of it in my weekly post next Tuesday. I just wanted to write a little something to note today...

A year ago I was sitting in the doctor's office. The doctor told me I was overweight (obese on the stupid bmi scales), had disconcerting cholesterol numbers, and was riding very high with my blood sugar levels. I knew we wanted to have a baby very soon and that I needed to get in shape. I was told I needed to eat better, eat less, and work out more for my own health and for the gestational and lifelong health of any future children. So I did that. I started counting calories and I really committed to running and strength training. By May, I had lost more than 35 pounds and reset all my health numbers to healthy ranges. I survived a half marathon. And at the end of that month I was pregnant (unbeknownst to me at that point!).

A year later, staring down the end of this pregnancy, I just can't believe how much time has passed. A lot has happened and I really feel like those three months of trying to prepare my body and mind for this life change were invaluable. I trust myself and my ability to accomplish goals much more. I have much greater faith in my body than ever before.

Even though this baby hasn't arrived yet, I feel like I've really come full circle to a fresh challenge. I now have a new set of goals before me, namely being a loving, healthy role model for my children. I could not be more excited and ready to get to work on that. I'm eternally grateful for all the support of friends, family and especially Ed who really helped keep me on track. I hope I can be as supportive and encouraging for you all in your times of need as you have been for me. 

I just wanted to say that a year ago, I sat down and figured out what I really wanted and took serious action to accomplish said desires. I don't believe hard work is the key to everything, there's always a little bit of luck and good timing thrown in to make things succeed. But, for anyone out there that feels like you have something undone that you desire, I encourage you to take action this Valentine's Day. Make it a day to try something new for your health, happiness and growth. I've always liked Valentine's Day for the sappy, lovey reasons you normally think of, but now I think of it in a whole new light.

For me, Valentine's Day will now and always be about loving myself enough to take better care, and respecting my dreams enough to truly work for them instead of ignoring or undermining them. I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Valentine's Day full of self love and respect. :)

From last June. A very happy, healthy, unknowingly pregnant, me. :) 

The numbers of my health

Some of you may have already seen my excitement on Facebook about my doctor's appointment yesterday. I'm gonna post some numbers on here and I am well aware that they may mean nothing to you or you may think my current numbers are still wanting... but... so what! I want to celebrate my accomplishment a little and show what kind of results a couple of diet and fitness tweaks can give you.

Before, when I went in for blood work in February, I was about to turn 27 and we were thinking about starting a family soon so I knew I needed to make sure all my ducks were in a row. Apparently, they were no where near in a row in some specific areas:

Cholesterol total: 252

LDL: 165

HDL: 60

Vitamin D: 23.6 (insufficiency level)

Glucose: 100

Hemoglobin A1c: 5.4 (an average of my blood sugar levels the past 2-3 months according to WebMD)

Weight: 201

She told me that all of my cholesterol numbers really concerned her, and that my blood sugar also warranted concern. For whatever reason, talk of heart disease and my family health history didn't sink in, but, she merely had to mention diabetes and I was shaking in my boots. The vitamin D deficiency she chalked up to not enough sun thanks to too much sun screen coverage? Crazy I know. So, she prescribed weight loss, diet change and 10 mins of sunscreen-less sun a day.

So I did it. Well, I tried to do it. I didn't 'do it' every day. I went over my base calorie limit of 1250 every now and then but it was all tracked using MyFitnessPal. I tracked any extra calories earned during workouts via my heart rate monitor. I started doing yoga using DVDs and an app called Yogify. I started meditating using a variety of sources: an app called Headspace, one called Take a Break, and CD's of meditations by Belleruth Naparstek. I worked hard and am still working hard.  (Edit: Sorry if it wasn't clear but I figured most of you assumed I'm including in my new routine my running at least several miles approximately every other day)

Yesterday was my big check up to see how it was going.

Cholesterol total: 186

LDL: 109

HDL: 58

Vitamin D: 35

Glucose: 91

Hemoglobin A1c: 5.1

Weight: 175 (ya'll.... that's 10lbs away from my 12th grade weight)

She told me I was a 'woman transformed' and that the results she was looking at was 'like I was on medicine.' I know I've lost weight but this is what I really wanted, for someone to say you are healthier now! Hopefully this is just the start.

To keep us honest, we signed up for another race! Well, two more races actually. It's hard to believe, but I'm going to try my hand at another half marathon! I meant it when I said I felt horribly disappointed about my performance at the Avenue of the Giants but that I felt like I really still had it in me to do much better. So in October Ed and I will be running in the Rock n Roll Half Marathon in San Jose.

The second race we signed up for is the Hark the Herald Angels 12k on Angel Island - the Ellis Island of the West! The course loops around the island which will be really nice, I've never seen it before. That will be in December though - I love me a good holiday run. 

Well that's about all. And for a good smile here's a funny diagram for summer vacations. I'm not sure I agree with alllllll of it - but it's pretty close!

What I Wish I Knew Before (Regarding Running and Weight Loss)

Happy National Running Day!

While I continue to delay writing a recap of our trip home, I wanted to write a little piece on what I wish people talked about before and during my running and weight-loss adventures. I am not an expert, I'm just sharing my own experience, advice or heads up I would have given myself, specifically. Obviously, I'm still working on myself - I've only been losing weight since February and running for under 2 years - so this is ever evolving. I don't have any answers. I hope this provides some support and love to those of you who are struggling out there and are feeling shame or hopelessness. 

1. Sports Bras
This it two part and mostly relevant to heavy chested women:

- It's not about how good it makes your boobs look. I have actually seen women review bras poorly based on how 'smushed' they made their breasts look. They worried it wasn't flattering or that not having their breasts look good made their tummies look larger. Granted, I made jokes about having a sports bra uni-boob in high school, but now that I'm actually running? Having a bra that made your breasts look good would be ridiculous. For me that would be like running with a heavy shelf in front. You want those things tamped down and stabilized. And you know what, who cares if it makes your belly look bigger! You're running to workout not to seduce someone. That's a popular quotation on the fitness boards on Pinterest: "If you still look good at the end of a workout, you're doing it wrong."

- They make a huge difference. I started out running in basic champion bras from Target and when I finally switched over to UnderArmour it was a life changer. Imagine going from having all the air knocked out of you with every stride, to being able to breathe normally AND even swing my arms by my sides instead of underneath my chest holding things in place! Sports bras matter.

Not good enough.

Doesn't look that different, but seriously, so much relief.

2. You can be in denial even when it is STARING YOU IN THE FACE. I kept a food diary for ages before I actually started losing weight using the MyFitnessPal app. No joke, I would write down that I ate ice cream nearly every day. Did it register with me that that was part of the problem? Not in the slightest. So, writing things down doesn't equal immediate weight loss. It finally clicked for me when I had an actual number that I needed to hit and not go over. Counting calories sucks, but once you get the hang of it, it's hard to shake. Who knows what will make it click for you, but all I can say is keep it at it until something does.

Yeah, 2 1/2 glasses of wine, all that cheese, a haagen daaz mini and chocolate bars? That surely can't add up to or anywhere near to a 1200 calorie day - I still eat ice cream, just not every day.

3. Going slow is hard, but sometimes it's the one thing you really must do. I was so sick and tired of seeing the same number on the scale so many days in a row, but eventually it I knew it would change. I just had to learn how to be patient and keep trying. Same for my runs. I'm a huge slow poke. It can be embarrassing when everyone is passing me, and when I post my workouts and my time just isn't changing but... I would rather post a slow time than no time at all. That's really the only thing that matters.

4. There's wiggle room for types of food. Quality matters, but not when it comes to just getting the weight off. This goes back to the calorie counting. You can eat ice cream every day... if it fits in your calorie budget. You won't be healthy, but sure, you'll still lose weight. People who say the key is merely cutting out carbs or dairy or sweets may not be helping you and in my case I just found it more frustrating. There's nothing magical here, no secret food that makes it all better or all worse, it's all just food. Except McDonalds and Twinkies. That's not food.

5. Cooking a lot or being wealthy really helps. I had to plan out our meals, factor in leftovers, see how far I could stretch that broccoli or brown rice. But if you can afford pre-made fancy meals, salads, shakes or sushi from Whole Foods or another company, you go for it.

6. Going out is really hard. and scary. I wanted to eat everything and also eat nothing. I was so sure one meal out would put back on all the weight I'd worked so hard to lose. Same goes for drinking. I can't think of the last time I was drunk, entirely because of the caloric intake. You have to keep working at it until you can trust yourself to not go crazy and lose all awareness of what you're putting in your body.

7. People do (unintentionally?) shame you, and you have to keep going. Whether it's out of jealousy or lack of awareness or whatever, people can say some mean things. And sometimes they'll say nothing at all which can be just as hurtful - we all want to be recognized for our effort. But it's not about other people. They are on their own journey. They may have way more important things going on than keeping track of your waist line, or they may be hurting from their own struggles and lashing out at you as an innocent bystander. Try to remember your own goals and that other silly Pinterest-popular quotation about not comparing your beginning to someone else's middle or something like that. (Edit: It also occurred to me after reading an article on body shaming that congratulating someone on their weight loss can be complicated in itself... what if they have been sick and lost weight due to illness? Is that a good thing? So, yes, it can be complicated but you just keep trying to be healthy whatever way you can no matter what outside influence says or does.)

8. It's ok to get upset as long as you keep going the next day. I won't lie and say this process has been pretty. There have been, and will still be, many days where I am feeling low about my progress or my diet or my lack of enthusiasm for working out. I'll beat up on myself or just be a huge grump (sorry Ed!) and mope around. I'll skip a workout. Or half-ass one. The day will be a wash. But as long as I get up the next day and get back to it... it's all ok. One day will not ruin everything you've done if you refuse to let it.

9. Have I mentioned it's super hard? I don't care what anyone says, I wish all of those magazine articles in Self and Women's Health that talked about how people lost the weight, discussed how hard it really is. Those articles seem to focus on women that 'just stopped drinking soda' or 'ate healthier snacks' and 'just started walking.' There was no magical moment where I ate the right crown of broccoli or stopped eating ice cream and then it all fell into place. You can make it easier by surrounding yourself with good foods and workout equipment, but I won't lie and say that makes it all easy. You still have to choose to not overeat. To break a sweat every day. To keep making that choice day after day. It's just not easy, and we shouldn't feel bad when we struggle. It's tough. And if you have a job and/or a family to juggle on top of that? It's a lot.

10. You'll get funny tan lines. Unless you work out inside, and then you'll have less of an issue here, but I've got goofy running capri tan lines on my legs and my jacket/t-shirt/tank-top rotation of shirts has also left a silly gradation on my arms.

11. Running is not better than walking. Pilates is not better than yoga. Weight-lifting is not better than cardio. Nothing is better than.What you get out there and do that is the BEST thing for you. Yes, each thing helps in different ways with pros and cons, but seriously, if it makes you sweat and it's challenging, then you're on the right track. Keep at it.

12. 'Runner's High' will not be the reason you keep running. A couple people asked me why I'm still running now and if it was because of runner's high. I'm about 99% sure I've never felt anything that I would describe as a runner's high. I'm not sure why running suddenly clicked. I think it has something to do with being unable to ignore how easy it is to go out, where ever I am, with my running shoes on and just go for 20, 30, 40 minutes at a time. I feel like I'm getting the most bang for my buck and it's nearly impossible to make excuses for such a simple task.

13. Finally, no one else knows what will work for you, so just ignore all the noise until you hear something that makes sense to you. Take that one thing and trash the rest. 

Bourdain, 12mi, 20lbs, Horsies, and pancakes!

Sorry everyone! I've been delaying writing a post for too long. I kept saying, 'Oh, I'll wait until something happens and I have something to write about.' Well, we went to see Anthony Bourdain and Eric Ripert talk, finished a 12 mile run, went horseback riding and ate pancakes and I didn't write after any of that!

The event with Bourdain and Ripert was alright. They are pretty funny together and it would have been a really interesting night if we hadn't read Bourdain's books and Ripert's Avec Eric. Ripert may be my favorite chef to date. One of the questions they were asked was if you were stuck on a desert island and couldn't lift a finger to cook, what three chefs would you bring along? I named Ripert right off the bat, but as Ed and I discovered, we could only name one or two other chefs whose food we had actually tasted and really loved. Tyler Florence was also on that list. We cook a good deal of special event meals from his cookbooks and we've loved every visit to Wayfare Tavern in the city (if you visit, you must try the burger, it is magical). They discussed the merits of west coast vs. east coast cooking, whether it's more important to have a good chef or good ingredients (they heartily disagreed on this point), and said California looked ridiculous for passing the ban on foie gras ('like a bunch of rubes' according to Bourdain). They also drank beer during the second half of the discussion and after all that talk of food and drink, watching someone drink a beer will make you thirstier than a marathoner in the Kalahari. One of my favorite moments was when it was revealed that Bourdain is not allowed to cook at home. His wife believes he's incapable of cooking Italian food correctly and is also on a protein kick for her martial arts training, so it's limited options for meals. He then compared his wife to a T-Rex Chuck Norris. Isn't that just a t-shirt waiting to be made?

The next weekend was peak training for me, culminating at a 12 mile run. It went about as well as can be expected. I feel as prepared as I can be for this race.

My super chic new running visor. You know, because it's essentially summertime out here now.

My runs have a pattern generally: a slowing at mile 3, but overall good first 5 miles, a small slowing again to mile 6, then pretty steady 7-10.5, and then the slog to the end. It was pretty ugly those last 1.5-2 miles. I haven't talked about it much because I don't want it to be a reality, but I'm having trouble with my knee. Some of you may remember the horrific move we made into this apartment on our own and how I injured my knee. It flares up every now and then (Yosemite and hikes generally), and these very long runs have been pretty brutal to it. I don't care if I have to walk that last mile or three to the end of this half marathon. I'm going to run as much as I can and finish what I started. Just... fingers crossed it's only moderately painful. I'm still really enjoying the training, more so now that my runs include some gentle 3-5 mile days.

Weight loss? I'm down 20lbs and counting!

Impromptu fashion show! Look at how I'm not completely busting out of my engagment party dress now. I could lift my arms and comfortably hug someone! So glad I didn't get rid of this number.

 I think I spooked Ed when I yelped in joy at the number on the scale. I think what is most exciting about all of this is that I might finally find out my 'happy weight.' It's been a couple years since I've been here at this weight (since 2007/2008). I've got a ways to go before I'll be in the 'healthy ranges' doctors recommend, but, I'm so proud of how far I've come. It's been VERY slow, but what I take away from that is that this is no yo-yo diet. I hate this phrase but, it has been a lifestyle change. I'm going to write a post on things I wish someone had told me before I started dieting and running soon.

My current secret weapon against sugar cravings: Coconut bread! I make it, eat one or two slices and then send the rest into work with Ed. Yay coworkers!

This past weekend we went horseback riding. I haven't been on a horse in ages but Ck and I used to go out with Mom in Gettysburg and ride a couple times. Ck even took some lessons if I remember correctly... seems like 100 years ago. The trail followed the coast line of Half Moon Bay, half up on the cliffs, half on the beach. It was pretty wonderful. Ed rode a horse named Texas and I rode Thumper. We decided at the end that we had very, very little input into the horse's decisions about how this ride was going to go. You guys know how much I love my romantic imaginings - re: me pretending I'm Jane on the Moors calling for Mr. Rochester on particularly foggy, quiet runs - so of course I was encouraging Ed to imagine himself as Mr. Darcy. I'm not sure he was 100% on board and may have been partial to the cowboy side of horseback riding, but he did say he felt very manly riding a horse. :)

Last but certainly not least, this past weekend I. ate. pancakes. 

I haven't had pancakes in a bazillion years (that's an exact number, I've been counting). Okay I should be clearer, I ate a pancake. Singular. One. And it was the greatest pancake. I know there's not much variation, especially when it comes to the kind of pancake I like (plain - absolutely nothing in it, especially not blueberries or chocolate chips - sacrilege!), but it is still such a treat to get a nice fluffy, delicious pancake.

And yes, pancakes DO rank right up there with Anthony Bourdain, weight loss, 12 mile runs and horseback riding.

And just in case you were wondering what my upcoming race looks like:

It took awhile to track down this elevation map, and my response when I saw it? I did NOT do enough hill training. This could be rough.

Six days until race day!

"The summit doesn't differ from the deep, dark valley"

Sadly, our ballroom dancing class was canceled. Under-enrollment. Boooooo. I've always wanted to take a couples dancing class. I know it'll happen one day.

We found other ways to kill time this weekend though, namely the Chowder Cook-Off on the Santa Cruz boardwalk and the Mystery Spot! What's the Mystery Spot you say? Well check it out:

They say it's some sort of gravitational vortex thingamajig, (yeah, that's the technical term for it) or just a highly effective visual illusion. Though, if you visit the place, I think you'll be surprised at how much it'll influence you. 

Our guide Ana demonstrated how this seemingly upwards slanted plank with a groove in it pours water out - uphill? It's all pretty amazing.

She warned us that we might feel dizzy and disoriented and there was a railing we could hold onto if need be. I laughed, what me? need that? no way! uh, yes way. I took maybe five steps and then made my way to the railing to hold on.

This is what we all looked like...

If Ed had wanted he could have placed his right foot on the wall and lean out even more away from the way.

Annnnd I ran (read: stumbled) out of there pretty quick. :)

So after that mind bending experience, we made our way down to the boardwalk for the chowder cook off. We've never been there before and I am pleased to report it did not disappoint. It was massively crowded and I think we might enjoy it a bit more in slightly warmer weather and with slightly fewer people.

The chowder cook off got crazy real quick, so I only snapped one pic of the places we tested. We first tried the Santa Cruz Firefighters as seen below, and then we tried.... "jam out with your clam out" and "rack o'clams" and "Amish Paradise" and "family divers." Our favorite was Jam out's, that had this herbal/bacon-y, briny Boston chowder. We only tried one Manhattan style since I'm not a huge fan of that in general. It tasted like vegetable soup with some clams so... there's that.

It was a great adventure. On the way back we stopped through Saratoga to explore a bit. Found some places I'm excited to take Michelle when she visits. Brian and Ed can always hang out at this Irish cocktail lounge nearby...

I keep meaning to post this below, it's the underside of the overpass of 17 near our house. I love little insertions of color into daily life like this. I don't get to see the lights often, I run here every other day, but always in the daytime.

Other than all of the above it's been quiet here. I've been dieting. I had a doctor's appointment and some bloodwork done that really lit a fire under my butt. I'm not dying, but there are some things that could be serious if ignored for the next 10 years. Adding family planning on top of that, I've always wanted to be as healthy as possible for having kids - namely, not overweight or having high cholesterol or elevated blood sugar - and I'm certainly not there. So I'm dieting. And it has made me SUPREMELY grumpy. I'm still running as well and getting a bit further and faster. But the dieting... blerg. It turns me into a monster. I know there's nothing wrong with being hungry and I know I eat too much. But tell that to me at 10:30 in the morning and 3:30 in the afternoon and I will punch you in the face. I just try to remind myself that high school kept me on a regular diet that really worked. I don't want to bore you with more talk of weight loss, suffice it to say, it's working, and it's hard, and I can't say I like it, but I've got some increased motivation this time around. Thanks doc! So forgive me if you speak to me during my grumpy times, it's not you I swear, it's that I'm desperately trying to remember what your face looks like instead of the talking blueberry muffin my stomach is projecting.

What to look forward to next week? I'm reading The Magicians and I'm in love. Anyone else a fan? Also, next Monday will be the last many of you hear from me for awhile because the brand new SimCity releases next Tuesday! And Sims 3 University Life! So yeah, my schedule is full up :)

"I think I found my place, can't you feel it growing stronger?"

Ok so I lied to you all again, I said I would blog about Bay to Breakers as the next post buuuuut I'm waiting on a friend to post his pictures. Funny thing, when you're actually running a race, it makes it pretty hard to take pictures of all the goofy stuff going on around you. It was a ton of fun, I've never seen so many sweaty naked men up close before... Lots of great costumes and the mood was just jovial. The pace was especially nice, considering I'm a slow poke. So while my time was worse than the 10k by a min/mi or two, I felt better about the run and my recovery time was only about 1 day, versus the 3 day utter incapacitation from the 10k. Now I'm faced with how to motivate myself to continue running without the pressure of a race to train for... I did just yesterday, purchase an app that has audio simulation of you being chased by zombies while you're on missions to collect items for your base camp (it's called Zombies, Run!), and it's pretty amusing. I'm excited about the idea of just being a runner, someone who can go out and just do a couple miles to stay in shape. And it will certainly make strength training and weight loss easier now that I'm not pushing for distance. Someday I'd like to get back into distance running (if you're interested, 7.46mi is my longest distance to date), but for now I'm gonna really buckle down on the weight loss aspect. And that's what I've been doing for the past two and a half weeks I'd say... and it's finally starting to pay off.

I've officially lost about 4lbs from my recent efforts after maintaining a solid 200lbs for the past 3 or 4 months of training, I've now left the 200's. I haven't been under 200 in maybe... a year? Two? So it's a fantastic feeling. Of course I'm impatient and really ready to lose more, but it's slow goings. Mostly, I'm so proud of myself. I've never really lost weight before, only gained, so being able to be completely in control, to be the only reason I have lost the weight is amazing. Ed was supportive but it wasn't because he forced me to do anything. I didn't have to resort to any program or book or diet plan as a crutch. I didn't have a traumatic experience. I just pulled myself up by my bootstraps and realized the only way to do this, is to do it.

A big (truly, a HUGE) thing I had to come to terms with is that there is no way to lose weight by exercising. You have to modify your diet. (I can hear you readers saying 'duh' as I type this, I know) Even if you exercise like crazy, there's no way you can burn off all that you eat - and like I found, your body will probably just shut down on you if you try. All the exercising makes me feel strong, and hell, I am strong now. I can do a ton of push-ups, and I can press 5 (well now almost 10) pounds more than my entire body weight with my legs. That's kinda awesome right?! I think so :) I notice all the little things that have changed... My arms and legs have definition, I don't get winded so easily... I can do videos and exercises that a year ago made me ill with exhaustion. Such a great feeling.

On another note, it's officially under 100 days til the wedding!!! The invitations are in the process of being put together as we speak and if you must know, they are incredible. I cannot wait for people to get them. They fit the wedding and our personality so well. I hope they make people smile like I did when I saw them. Joe has done beautiful work. It's crazy to think in a little over 3 months, I'll be married to an amazing man and off to the Grenadines.. .to work on my tan of course. And by tan I mean freckles. And by freckles I mean burns. All the little pieces of wedding things are coming together: I have the bridesmaids gifts, hair & makeup plans, wood working things are being built, photobooth backdrop, rough plan for food and snacks - possible popcorn machine?, guestbook quilt is coming together, bunting, memorial candles for Opa and for Ed's dad... all the little things are actually starting to get done or taking shape. It feels great and I can't wait to have all our friends and family come in and just have fun with us. I'll start documenting my crafts soon since all my races are over with and it's crunch time for building things.

Ok so I promise, I'll post pictures and give a full recap of the craziness of the race and post-race loveliness with friends and Dad & Debbie next time... or the time after that possibly :-P til then!

"Cause we don't know how to back down"

Honestly, I just don't give myself enough credit. I say I've been up to nothing and complain about not accomplishing much... but truly I have. I've been doing a lot. I've been learning to run a household on my own. Learning how to cook. Reading a TON. I even signed up on GoodReads to read 36 books this year and I believe I can do it. I've started weight-lifting. I'm an amazing bargain shopper for groceries. My German is getting better every day. And I've actually stuck to a diet. Let's talk about that for a minute....

I don't believe in diets. Especially not fad diets. I believe in everything in moderation. That's what my Omi says and she's the only 80+ person I know that still mulches her own garden with 50 lbs. bags, mows her own lawn, and basically does things I'm positive half of my friends are incapable of doing. So. If Omi says this, it must be true! Now that being said, I'm on this diet. It's a sister prescribed diet. Basically it involves powder shakes and elimination of everything that one could be allergic to or could cause one inflammation (meat, dairy, soy, peanuts, booze)... Let's just call this category of food "everything I love." It's short term so I'm really just a big baby for complaining about it, so I won't do much of that. But I will say my sister told me to do it so I'm doing it. Those of you who say I could have refused Ck, well you clearly haven't met her. Ed is also doing this with me. I believe he thinks I'm punishing him. In truth, I couldn't do it without him. When I feel like I could punch a toddler in the face to get my hands on a burger, I text him and he calmly explains I should probably just have a piece of fruit or do some stretches. The main point? I've actually stuck to it. I have not had one forbidden food, not a nibble or morsel or sip of anything I shouldn't be having. This is AMAZING. I never thought myself capable of self-restraint with food, and to be so very restrained... I thought I would explode or fail miserably. And I haven't. I've really done this completely and I'm so crazy proud of myself it's unbelievable. This is what my sister said would happen, this feeling of accomplishment. And so I would like to state publicly that my sister Carolyne K Neely is always right. :)

I've also been knitting a great deal, working on this amazing (and stupidly simple) idea from Living magazine to just make a giant blanket from all my leftover yarn. I love colorful things so this will be fantastic! 

And today I even accomplished one of the very things I wrote about on here ages ago. I said I wanted to do all these things after moving to California. That I was essentially going to become Carly to the Nth power. Well that hasn't happened yet BUT! I French braided my hair today! I've tried many, many miserable times, and today while watching Downton Abbey I thought, you know what. I want my damn hair out of my face and I can do this. Calmly. And I did!!!!!

Sure it's not as tight as it could be, and could be neater, blah blah blah... I wrote down that I was going to do something and I did it! Such a great feeling. 

It feels good to stick with something and just do it. And to know that I've truly followed through. Even in just the smallest, tiniest, silliest things, it's almost more important to then give yourself credit for accomplishing something. And related to that, I wanted to mention I want to try to focus on the positive more. I'm such a huge worrywort, and I did some testing for Stanford that said I was a highly risk oriented person. Meaning, I focus on EVERYTHING that could go wrong. So when you and I are walking down the pier at Fisherman's Wharf, I'm imagining all the sea beasts that will rise up and chomp me in half right in the midst of our lovely day out, instead of concentrating on just being present on that lovely afternoon.

 I believe you can cultivate a happier life. And I really want that. I don't want to end up as the wife/mother that is always freaking out. I want to be the kind of future wife and mother that is joyous and inspiring to her family. (Side note - my inspiration for this was thinking about how Jason and Ilana Kardell are the most positive, happy people I know and how that kid is damn lucky to have them as parents when that baby gets here in March). I've just been thinking and reading a lot lately about how so much of our lives focus on the complaining and the sarcasm and mean-making-fun, and it's nice to take some time to work on being genuine and forth-coming.

"I'm off with a shot at the start"

So I just finished my daily workout, and for this first time in a long time I found myself doing an exercise where I was in excruciating pain - this is not the new part, this is in fact fairly normal for me since I'm a big pain baby - and instead of collapsing in a chest heaving, sweaty heap on the floor until Ed comes home and resuscitates me (my workout m.o.), I had the instant thought that this hurt so badly because that area was so pathetically weak.

(Disclaimer: the fitness instructor in me would like to say that pain does not necessarily equate gain and that there is a distinct difference between injury pain and weakness pain... it is up to you to be careful and know the difference and when one is turning into the other) 

But today was definitely a weakness pain in my cute-sounding-but-not-cute-looking kangaroo pouch. It was such a good feeling! I know that sounds ridiculous but... it was fantastic! Having the trained reaction change from defeat to 'of course it hurts let's do something out it right now!'
I feel like there are major first steps in a workout routine.

1. Committing to just getting there. Yes, you eventually need to really work hard, but if you can't even get yourself to the gym on a regular and frequent basis, then you just aren't going to get anywhere.

2. Working through the change. And by change I mean pain and sweat and exhaustion. Working out is not comfortable, changing yourself doesn't 'feel good' at least, not the recent state of feeling good you've been enjoying, sitting on the couch watching hoarders and eating anything you can get your hands on. And stopping cause it's hard is just too tempting.

3. There's nothing wrong with being hungry every now and then. It sucks but you can't change your weight without eating differently. That doesn't mean cutting out certain foods or sugar or carbs. You just have to eat less. As Mom says, calories in, calories out.

And I feel as if I've really nailed step 1 and step 2. Hurrah!

Another thought I've had... I'm nervous to use the wedding as a reason to lose weight. Almost every bride I know did everything in their power to lose weight for a wedding and then after the wedding gained that and much more back. I try to use 'the dress' as a motivator to get myself out the door to workout but from that point on, when the pain hits, I just focus on how much more I could physically do if I were stronger. I could swim longer, race longer, hike longer, chase down goats easier, and play Wii games longer! I could carry Ed over the threshold after the wedding! :)

There's tons more to say about wedding plans and ideas and things really freaking me out but for now I need to go collapse into a post-workout coma with some water... until Ed comes to revive me. :)