Bump Update - Week 38

So much to cover so brace yourself for a longish post! Of course we can start with my birthday, which was incredible. Like I said, no big plans. I got my last prenatal massage (in theory at least, because if baby is super late, I'll be going in again to try to get things moving). I'll really miss going in regularly for those. During the day I met up with Ed for lunch at work which was really nice. I just wanted to spend time with him. I know time with just the two of us is quickly coming to an end so on my special day that's what I decided to demand. :) I treated myself to my own personal 'birthday cake':

Cinnabon I love you.

Yep, that's right, Cinnabon all the way baby. I've been thinking about it all pregnancy but haven't indulged in one all 9 months. I figure there's no better time than now! 
I was going to take a nice long nap after that, but then the mail came and I opened a gift from my sister that got me so worked up, I couldn't nap. I just stayed up and danced!

I will always love Robbie Williams. I just can't resist. Best of all, there's a song on this album he wrote for his child that I'll be able to sing to our baby.

Then for dinner, we went to my favorite Indian place here, Sakoon in Mountain View. It was lovely. I may not have a lot of space for food, but I sure enjoyed revisiting Mountain View and our old haunts. And what did Ed get me you might be wondering? Other than a perfectly wonderful relaxing day.... he got me tickets...

...to see Pentatonix! :) I'm so excited. He went all out and got us passes to the VIP room so I have an assured place to sit down if my feet get tired, a private bathroom area and even some appetizers. The concert is this Saturday so we'll see how much baby likes all my dancing and all the vibrating of the music. I can hardly contain myself. It's funny, I asked Ed how he knew I would love this, and he said one day I walked by and out of the blue apropos of nothing said, "I freakin' LOVE Pentatonix!" And he knew he should keep an eye out for that. Funny, I even posted their video last week. You'll be hearing all about the concert in next week's post... as long as I'm not in labor or if baby has made an early appearance. Guess I should post another video from them this week just to celebrate.... I'm a big fan of their cover of "Pusher Love Girl" by Justin Timberlake (I highly advise listening with headphones):

Otherwise, things have been lovely. We had our last birth prep class. One of the ladies in the class actually went into labor the day before... and she had the same due date as me! Yikes! She kindly shared a picture and her baby is beautiful, with more hair than I have ever seen on a newborn. We also had our last group prenatal session at our midwife group. Unfortunately, I was feeling pretty awful on Saturday, (maybe all the rich food?), so I didn't enjoy it as much as I had hoped, but it was nice seeing everyone one more time and getting our little blessing from the group. There's still a chance we'll be there for another meeting, which would be on Mar. 8th, but we'll see. :)

And of course, Valentine's day was wonderful as always. We had a nice steak dinner at home and watched a romantic comedy. 

My steak looks like Ed's steak's pet.

I even got a backrub! (To be fair, Ed's very generous with the back and foot rubs) It was all low key, which is pretty much all a big ole pregnant lady can handle. I did get to wander around Whole Foods for dinner supplies which was actually kind of fun because they were decked out! Flowers everywhere, dessert tables in every aisle... I snapped a picture of the dessert counter because I've never before seen so many princess cakes freshly made!

The princess cakes are the pink domed ones in the center

Alright, alright, bump update!  

How far along? 38 Weeks

How Big Is Baby? 19.5 inches, a leek? ~6.8 lbs (there's no way of knowing at this point really)

Sleep: Oh sleep. I'm trying to squeeze this in as much as possible but it's tough. Regular wake ups every 2 hrs, and a big wake up at 3am. Every night. Poor Ed says my dreams must be getting crazier because I'm doing more sleep yelling and singing. :) He's a good man for not kicking me out of the bedroom.

Best moment this week: Sorry, can't pick a moment. The whole week was wonderful. Turning 28, Valentine's Day, last birth prep class (which ended with a foot bath and massage from Ed), and last prenatal group... all amazing, wonderful things.

Movement: Baby is doing his/her best to make me nervous. We're in a bit of a posterior position right now. It's not a terrible thing, it can make for a more painful labor though, so we're spending a lot of our day trying to get some rotation going on there. That means lots of stretches and crawling around on the floor and no reclining for me.

Symptoms: Boy am I feeling beat these days. Baby feels significantly lower so I am waddling a ton and struggling to move gracefully when it comes to getting up and down from the couch/floor/bed...

Food cravings/aversions: Nothing really... okay maybe I could go for a biiiiig glass of wine and biiiiig beer. But past that, nothing really. 

Gender: I've been reading parenting books and I am so glad I've been insistent on primary colors and staying away from pastels and gendered messaging. No matter what we have, I'll be using the same clothing on the second baby!  

Belly Button in or out? Still half and half - this is related to the posterior positioning thingy, once baby turns, his/her back will press against my belly and push it out fully (in theory)

What I miss: Nothing really this week... just enjoying the moments. Maybe I miss the part of the pregnancy where I wasn't feeling the pressure of the due date looming.

What I am looking forward to: Mom's arrival!!!! So soon guys! :) She'll be here next Wednesday and I cannot wait. She's the first of many family visits coming in the next two months.

Funny moment of the week: For our last birth prep class we did a pot luck. I tried to make deviled eggs... I forgot that my temper is pretty short these days so the idea of peeling boiled eggs probably wasn't the smartest idea. I had made it through 5 eggs, frustratingly destroying all of them and trying to remain calm. That 6th egg though... I may have lost my cool halfway through unsuccessfully peeling it, starting laughing maniacally, and crushed it, half shell and all, in my fist, oozing out onto the counter. Like the hulk. It was about then I stepped away from the eggs and decided to just buy some pre-cut fruit from Whole Foods. :)

Labor Signs: Nothing really? It's hard to tell but I think we're just in a holding pattern until this baby gives us the go sign.

Weekly Wisdom: Your body will do what it's going to do. Yes you have input and can help things along, but there's only so much you can do at the end of the day. This week we discussed how the "full term" status has recently changed to 39 weeks, and in the home country of one of the other expectant clients, full term is considered 42 weeks. Oy!

Milestones: We are some two weeks away from the due date... Can't believe it. Where did all the time go?!

And now some Emilia for you! Just cause you read this whole crazy post :)

Bump Update - Week 32

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had an amazing New Year's Eve and is feeling refreshed and ready for the new year. I think I am. I finished my GoodReads challenge of 70 books for 2013. I feel a liiiiiittle guilty because a couple of them (5 I think) were guides or how to books. I did read them, but somehow it feels a little less fulfilling than if they were novels. I've got a couple things I'd really like to do this year...

- Sewing by hand and with a machine (I'm thinking burp cloths are a good first project for a novice)
- Write a few complete stories
- Return to regular physical activity (swimming, running, etc)
- Learn and speak more German (for counting pancakes with das Baby)
- Respond with greater care to emails and Facebook messages (and in a more timely manner)
- Keep up with my reading, whether it's audiobooks or physical copies (GoodReads goal of 60 - 2 down already!)
- Birth and start raising a kind, healthy human

Mostly, I just want to continue a lot of the good work I did this past year with my running and keeping my health in order. I know it'll be challenging with a baby but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try! 2013 had a lot of highs and lows and I won't be forgetting any of it.

Things have been nice and calm here. Ed is ready to head back to work and is just waiting on some paperwork to be filed, still doing treatments at home. Tonight is our first birth prep class. The house is pretty much baby ready. Just plodding along with life, all good things.

I returned to the Whole Body Salon for another pedicure because I'm finally conceding that while I can still touch my toes (thank you very much) it is not comfortable or sustainable for the time required to care for my feets. I'll take any time for spoiling myself while I can...

Also, I just have to add I can't stop listening to the recordings of Home Free from the Sing-Off. If you missed the condensed airing of it in December, you should really try to find it online or on demand. I could care less what genre they sing - the lead and the bass? They could sing to me all day, everyday and I would never get my fill. And tenors don't usually do anything for me! These two performances were hands down my favorites, but none were bad.

"I Want Crazy"

"Ring of Fire"

I am desperate to see these guys and to see Pentatonix perform live. That would just be incredible. Can seeing more a cappella be on my resolution list? In the meantime I'll just listen on repeat with my headphones on!


Bump Update! 

Post shower bump

A refresher pic of the last bump picture I took in this shirt (Oct 14th, 2013)

How far along? 32 Weeks

How Big Is Baby? 16.7 large jicama - large is certainly right, I'm feeling every wiggle in there

Sleep: The same - tossing and turning, bathroom breaks. Thank god the room is cool during these winter months! Also, I'm having weird dreams again. The other night involved a nightmare - I was caught in a house similar to the Winchester House mixed with a little of the hotel from The Shining but it was located in Texas.

Winchester House pre 1906 earthquake

Best moment this week: Organizing the nursery! Still have to wash everything aside from the diapers, but the clothes are all tucked away and the room is cleared for use.

Movement: Still abundant. All over the place and varied... still nothing painful, which I'm very grateful for, but, there have been some really bizarrely intense jolts that are just so big my whole belly shakes. Ed had his hand on me for the first one I'd ever felt and it was pretty weird. I think I can feel baby's back a lot. Both midwives think the baby is head down now.

Symptoms: 'It's just emotions taking me over'. The other day, my cat Rosie made me laugh so hard I started to cry. Not as in, I was laughing and tears were coming out, we're talking full on transition to crying and no more laughing. For absolutely no reason. Hormones are so. weird.

Food cravings/aversions: Less. No specific cravings anymore, just less hungry. With the baby getting so big, I'm starting to feel pretty crowded when I eat so I just try to eat much smaller meals.

Gender: I tied myself up in KNOTS trying to find baby caps that were not blue or pink. Is it really too much to ask to just have white hats? I love yellow too but I feel like that's all that I have now. It's amazing how that's the only 'gender neutral' option. I had to look this up to express to Ed how I felt about the lack of white hats:

Belly Button in or out? Strangely, no new developments here! Maybe we'll see some change after baby's growth spurt.

What I miss: Eating without worrying about the space. I miss my hearty dinners and big bowls of ice cream :) 

What I am looking forward to: Enjoying these last few weeks of routine. Reading, TV shows, cleaning house casually. Reveling in the feeling of being in control and on top of things!

Funny moment of the week: Making it to midnight on New Years Eve, and promptly hitting the hay 10 minutes later. :)

Labor Signs: Still very infrequent braxton hicks. Not much else. Baby is baking away in there!

Weekly Wisdom: Try to enjoy being a beginner. I'm reading Daring Greatly and trying to use it as a jumping off point for how I will approach things this year. I know we're in for some hard and often frustrating times ahead, and I'm hoping to practice the mindset of allowing myself to not know what I'm doing. I get so frustrated so quickly - I hope a little meditation on being otherwise will temper that reaction.

Milestones: Bought all of our diapers to start off - disposable and cloth. Felt pretty weird stocking up our hall closet with baby wipes and diapers. Pretty much everything is checked off on our prep list, including sheets and other supplies for labor. Along with hearing the baby is head down makes everything feel shockingly around the corner.

Finds Vol. 2 and some randomness!

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." 
— Theodore Roosevelt

This quotation is really speaking to me today. I found it used in the teaser for a book, Daring Greatly, that looks really interesting. I certainly have a problem with failing to push myself to just go do and try, even if it means looking silly or not doing it perfectly... or even right for that matter.

With all this solo time on my hands, I've been keeping pretty quiet so I'll do another link heavy post!


1. The Ocean at the End of the Lane - Neil Gaiman

Amazing. Book. I guess I've been in the mood for mind expanding imagery, re: Jagannath, and this book fit right in. It is also fairly short and I plowed through in over a 24 hr period. It is mystical and creepy and left me with bizarre dreams. If that doesn't earn a book 5 stars on my shelves, I don't know what does.


2. Hollywood Game Night 
This show is hilarious. Mom told me I should turn it on and boy was she right, it had me snorting and giggling and I'm kinda glad no one was around to hear the crazy way I was laughing.
Here's "How Do You Do" with some SNL Alums.




3. Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan

Even if you don't have kids, like myself obviously, this book is so funny. He includes drawings from his kids, and goofy family pictures. It doesn't glorify parenting or degrade it, it just points out the embarrassing, demoralizing ridiculousness of it all and the impossibility of not falling in love with it at the same time. I haven't belly laughed from a book so hard since I read Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson. Did I tell you guys to read that? If I didn't, let's pretend I did, because you really must.

4. Whose Line Is It Anyway?

If you can't tell, I've been seeking out laughter lately. It's really helped pass the time with Ed away. I've mentioned how huge a fan I am of this show. I saw the live show in San Francisco with Ryan, Chip (Now Charles Esten thanks to Nashville), Greg Proops and Jeff Davis (major crush on that one back in middle school). If you're not watching the new season of this show, you're seriously missing out. Here's one of my favorite clips from the old seasons:

5. Backstreet Boys - In A World Like This

You can hate all you want but I love this. Takes me back. Never got to see them in concert but I always loved them. There's a special place in my heart for Kevin. :)

And last but not least, in fact, I'm not 100% sure I haven't already recommended this but since they add new episodes regularly....

6. Conversations With My 2-Year-Old

There are about 8 episodes out now, but the first one is still a solid introduction to the series. If you haven't heard anything about it, one man reconstructs conversations with his 2 year old daughter but with a fully grown man playing the daughter.

The "Pants" episode is also pretty amazing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dad and Debbie stopped by for a short visit earlier this week and we had a really nice time. Two long walks, Winchester house, Game of Thrones season 3, a fancy dinner and they even gifted me with a Dyson vacuum when I apparently destroyed Ed's old vacuum. I swear, I didn't do it on purpose! It really helped the second week move a little quicker.

After a lovely dinner out! One of our few group non-hike or hot tub pictures :)

Delicious Ethiopian, I love you.

Winchester House! I can't wait for Fright Night this year!

Weight loss is still holding. I've taken a break from running but I'm still walking and doing other things. Counting down the days until it's time to visit Ck. That's about all for now! Like I said it's been very quiet round here. I haven't been up to much, hence my lack of posting.  Ed comes home on Sunday and I could not be more ready. :)

Finds

Once again I'm delaying that post about our vacation - a great deal of the pictures are on Ed's computer so I've got to wait until he returns home. My memory is sadly deficient, I hardly know what he's got on there now and it's only been a couple weeks!

Instead I wanted a write about a couple things really catching my attention.

To Read: Rapture Practice by Aaron Hartzler

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15790822-rapture-practice

This memoir of a life in a highly religious family is riveting. Maybe it wouldn't be if I grew up in that, but I find this kind of story so interesting. Add to that Hartzler's realization that he is gay, and it makes for some really gut twisting moments where you just want to reach through the pages and help this poor conflicted kid. 

GoodReads teases it with: "Aaron Hartzler grew up gay in a home where he was taught that at any moment Jesus might come down in the twinkling of an eye, and scoop his whole family up to Heaven." 

I think that's a bit misleading, because he doesn't come to understand his feelings about being gay until pretty far into the book and that statement glosses over the challenges of his life separate of sexuality. We're talking the music he listens to, movies, friends, clothes, obedience to his parents... everything is touched by his family's beliefs. The circular logic of why we should trust in God's plan is seemingly so inescapable, and then to be bolstered by a community that preaches holding others accountable for straying from the path. I devoured this book in two days thanks to it being highly conversational and because it just grabbed onto my heart.

To Watch: Stand Up Guys

It really pains me that the reviews of this movie are bad. I didn't bother reading them post-watching. This movie was wonderful. Of course you might think it's going to be good because of the cast, and yes, that helps, but what is really great about it, is how it revolves around the characters and not the action. Some may lose interesting because it's a little slow, but that's one of the things I loved. It's a movie about great old crooks, being great old crooks. They move slow, have aches and complaints, are still funny and don't miraculously turn into younger men who do crazy stunts via special effects or unbelievable lines via crazy scripts (re: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and any actor that's granted Aaron Sorkin's fast paced zingers). 

Secondary recommendation: Warm Bodies

Both Stand Up Guys and Warm Bodies have amazing soundtracks... Left me ranting and raving to Ed about what good choices were made.

To Hear: Elise LeGrow "Weed & Wine"

This song is my current favorite background music for making dinner, along with those aforementioned soundtracks. It reminds me of "Dreamsome" by Shelby Lynne which was in Bridget Jones' Diary, but with a bit more body. Speaking of body, I've no idea what the deal is with the wine bath in the video, so, just take the song on it's own regardless of the video. 

Fingers crossed I get pictures up from our vacation in the next post!

"Run, but you can't hide from the heat"

Four things inspiring me right now...

1. This video:

2. "The Lion the Beast the Beat" by Grace Potter & the Nocturnals 

The Lion The Beast The Beat (VH1 Storytellers) - Music Videos - Live Performances

3. Penny Marshall's My Mother Was Nuts  - this is so funny and grounding despite the endless name dropping, I'm tearing through it.

4. Jillian Michaels - for about 30 seconds of her 30 Day Shred. Jillian talks about how doing the bare minimum, just being slightly active, is just not good enough. You cannot expect change, especially significant change, from merely taking the stairs instead of the elevator or escalator. She calls it a "false message of lethargy." She goes on to say that your body is capable and it is capable of working very hard for you. Whenever I'm running now, I tell myself it's simply not enough to be out there exercising, I need to be giving it every single ounce of energy I have because that's what I can do.

I have mixed emotions about citing that as inspiration because I don't want anyone who is overweight to think that going for a walk or taking the stairs isn't a great, healthy activity. That's all well and good, but when you're on a mission to lose weight or have to make some drastic changes.... it's true, it's just not good enough. I felt the same way when I was teaching water aerobics. I was really, very grateful people came to class and bothered enough with setting aside some time to be there. But just doing some light jogging and jaw-jacking is just not good enough for the goals some of my students claimed to have. You have to sweat. You have to try hard. Pretty much every time, always. Sure you get some breaks, but really, why even talk about those when some of us have such lofty goals? I think that's one of my big problems. I take way too many breaks. I walk instead of running through, I take a rest day when I'm sore.

I could do more. I am doing more.

Today I finished an entire 30 min kettlebell routine. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I tried it on Monday and felt like death for the next two days. And that was with only doing one set. Today I did all 3 sets and I feel like a friggin' rock star.

Of course, talk to me tomorrow and I may be singing a different tune, but I'll have this post to look back on and re-motivate myself! :)

"Duck, Magnum, Duck!"

It was a pretty quiet weekend round these parts. We needed some recovery time post Seattle adventures. We both got back on track with training routines and enjoyed some much needed sleeping in time. I realized I hadn't posted anything on Valentine's day about what we did, but once again we stayed in and had a nice meal together. Of course, Ed bought me another gorgeous bouquet. He never really goes for straight roses because I usually swoon over the ones with some variety of color and flora. But I gotta say, the rarity of these makes receiving them now much sweeter. Thaaaaanks Ed :)

Rosie approves with her mouth. Ugh.

We hit up some of our favorite local places, including the goodwill where we thought we scored a jackpot with a new cat toy. Rosie loves hollow toys with a ball to push around so this one below looked perfect. The design on the box showed a racetrack set up... but unfortunately, it was missing a connector piece. So here we have an almost loop with two dead ends sealed up by Ed with wine corks and tape. Rosie enjoys pushing the ball against the dead ends almost as much as she enjoys chewing on the tape.

We almost made our way over to this giant media store near us, Rasputin Music & Books. This place, is incredible. If you miss the days of Tower Records or were a sucker for the movie Empire Records, this is the place for you. They had everything. I was amazed at how big it was inside. Of course we spent a good while going through everything and you won't believe what I found....

Yes. It is the actual movie soundtrack. Some of you may not know how much I LOVE this movie. But it ranks among my tops, and I may or may not know all the lines. And songs. Which are epic in their terribleness and that just makes me adore them even more. This movie inspired massive crushes on Jim Carrey, Jeff Goldblum and Damon Wayans.

 

And I was determined to grow up and look like Geena Davis. You can hate, but I'm so happy I can't stand it. I want to put on some negligee a blonde wig and get some take out sushi and sing along!

This is the look.

Oh, OH, I can even tie this back to my L.A. visit with Ck! Remember Angelyne???

On a less embarassing note, I also bought my very first new record! We have a ton from my Dad and I've purchased some used from the library and good will, but this was my first new record. I love Nellie McKay and I love Doris Day so I thought this was a perfect album to put on while I'm making dinner in the evenings.

Ed also found something to suit his tastes a little better, and it sounds pretty good on our tiny little stereo set-up if I do say so myself.

All in all, a quiet, nice weekend. This week we're looking forward to (wait for it!) ballroom dancing classes! Yes we can all thank Ed in advance for the hilarious stories bound to come out of that adventure. This weekend is also the chowder cook off down in Santa Cruz so we may make a trip out for that.... I'll keep you posted!

"You are so unpredictable, sometimes I'd like to be that way"

My birthday is about a week away. I can't believe it... I don't know where the time went! A large group of my friends I call my 'senior' friends because they were all seniors when I was a freshman in high school. It will be highly amusing to call them seniors when they are seniors because I'm a dork who thinks that play on words will be funny... but only to me. Anywho! I remember when they all turned 27 and I thought man, that is a super grown-up age! So it's a bit weird to be at that point. I'm really looking forward to this trip with Ed to Seattle. Doesn't hurt that Anthony Bourdain just did a Layover episode for the city just yesterday!

I don't know if it's my birthday or if it's because of that post jazz band performance high but I've been thinking about high school a lot lately. Not so much thinking 'oh I wish I was back there' but reminiscing about all the things I loved. And I was super in love with some music. Lit? Guster? Ben Folds? Backstreet Boys? Dave Matthews Band? Robbie Williams? The list goes on. It's a bit sad, my pop music likes are kiiiiind of stunted thanks to all the musicals I opted for, but oh well!

I started making a Spotify playlist of all the songs that take me back. I would link to it on here but I'm gonna be honest, I have NO idea how Spotify works. I see people making playlists, and I have no clue how to access them or how to follow links or.... well do anything really. I don't understand why some songs play and others don't. I love playlists like you wouldn't believe. Making mix CDs was my jam! I think I made a mix CD for every season, every musical dressing room, every theaterfest, every crush, boyfriend and subsequent breakup... I was and honestly am still obsessed with those mixes. It's a sad sad thing no one does that in my life anymore. Maybe I should start up with that again? If my friends are reading this we should all start up! Doesn't have to be new music. There's bound to be thousands of tracks we haven't already shared with one another. One of the greatest feelings in the world is the one you get when a track comes on and you are just immediately transported back to that moment, hanging out with that one person, drinking hot chocolate, watching the Matrix movies, or playing video games.

I'm feeling super nostalgic for my high school friends and all the good memories we made. The trip with the band/chorus to Florida, all the musicals, jazz band, the Kennedy Center performance, the one day I skipped school (it was the most boring day of my life, I'm so glad I only skipped one day of high school), unending game nights, trips to the beach, all of our six flags trips, theaterfests and themed dress up nights, cast parties... I'm very lucky to still be friends with so many of the people that made those years. I'd like to think that because we all knew each other so young that we will never feel all that old... I still see so many of them through the prism of high school. That's not always a great thing, but it keeps me from that daily reminder that time flies by all too fast.

On that note, I wanted to leave you with my current favorite 'PowerUp' songs on my Nike+ app. These are getting me through when my knees are sore, I'm dead tired, or just in a funk. I've mentioned some before but the fact that they're still working for me speaks volumes!

1. Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club
I can't put my finger on why this gets me so pumped, part lyrics, part the sheer up-beatness of it all.

Or if you're looking for some mellow inspiration, here's a nice acoustic version....

2. Walk - Foo Fighters

The Foo Fighters are always awesome, but this song got me. I don't know if you guys remember but it was what was playing as I ran to and crossed the finish line of the first 10k I ever did, right at the bridge, speakers screaming "I'm running through the fire" and I just wanted to weep/laugh at how perfect it was... still gets me.

3. Can't Hold Us (feat. Ray Dalton) - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

The only downside to this song is that it makes me want to gesture and sing along and look a fool while running. (Edit: More a fool than I already look)

Also another excellent set which includes his other hits is his NPR Tiny Desk performance...

4. Raise the Dead - Phantom Planet

This is just my full on favorite right now. The lyrics are just right to get my re-motivated and the build-up... you just can't ask for more. The other songs get me pumped but this song pushes me to get back in the game, to get up and try again, to finish strong. 

And last but not least happy birthday to my stepmom Debbie who is right now enjoying the good island life in Hawaii! :)

And now for something completely different.

A thought essay on my singing.

I miss singing, but not all of it. Not even close to all of it. I get pangs of remembered joy from singing Carmen or Dido and Aeneas or Showtune (which was my favorite musical hands down), but I really don't miss them truly. They were memorable times, my voice was in amazing form - singing Michaela and  Carmen in the same show? That is crazy! I can say that now without feeling like I'm bragging because I flat out cannot do it now. Musicals, while never my strong suit were always fun and full of a variety I wouldn't have had to face anywhere else. It all pales in comparison to how I feel about what I did with the jazz band in high school and post-high school guest spots that I was graciously allowed to do. It wasn't hyper-technically challenging since I mostly stuck to ballads out of fear of failure on the faster, jazzier stuff, but it was my favorite. I felt comfortable, like this was the right place for my voice. I didn't have to beat it out of myself, training endlessly, feeling overwhelming shame and great frustration when I cracked or couldn't quite get the right tone or round-and-round discussions on 'placement.' Singing anything other than my pieces for jazz band always made me feel a bit "less than" and really fueled a lot of my issues with envy and insecurity. There was always the occasional note out of my range in jazz band too, but overall, it was my safe place. I used to feel a bit embarrassed that standards and 'easy listening' was what I loved. Now, I'm glad I can say I don't mind in the slightest that I'll listen to The Carpenters and James Taylor over Mahler or Sondheim.

Before I met Ed, my life had a perpetual soundtrack. I don't just mean that like everyone else particular songs remind me of particular times, but that music was on constantly everywhere I went. Before the days of iPods (instantly feeling older now) I would listen to CDs at the bus-stop and on the ride to school. I would sing to myself in the hallways or anywhere I walked. One very kind teacher said they heard Ella Fitzgerald sang to herself wherever she went just like me - I was immensely flattered by the comparison regardless of its veracity. My CD player wore out playing music for studying, for talking on the phone, for staring at the ceiling thinking about my latest crush, and then finally playing through the night as I slept. Even after I left my bus riding days behind, my car radio was rarely off on my long commutes to college or to work.

It's been a very recent thing that I listen to music less and hardly sing even on a weekly basis. A couple of contributing factors have brought me to these mostly music-less days. Inside our house, we have no set up stereo. My Dad just passed on his record collection and turntable which I am ecstatic about, but I've done little to figure out how to set it up or go about purchasing all the bits and pieces to get sound out of it. There's no port for my iPod on our television downstairs. The awesome speakers my mom purchased for my laptop two years ago are still fantastic, but they are upstairs where my laptop plays out its role as a faux desktop computer. Since I own over 160G of music, I have to use an external hard drive that makes moving my laptop and playing music from there a pain. Even listening to the radio or playing CDs in the car is an infrequent activity because I only drive about twice a week. And now that I go to bed with someone else, I can't exactly keep all my childhood habits of leaving on night lights and music playing the whole night long. Add to that I'm not sure Ed would appreciate having to listen to Joni Mitchell or Eva Cassidy on repeat. Poor man may go a bit mad.

I don't remember what I was watching that caught my ear, but it inspired me to pull out all of my old songbooks and scores. I paged through a couple books, trying out a couple songs I used to sing regularly… a couple songs I loved but were always difficult…a couple songs that were my best years ago. I was pretty shocked at how poor my voice seemed. I know it's a muscle and a gift you have to work at; It's just so easy to look back and remember how good things were while forgetting all the time poured into that skill. The only area that remained the same for my voice was all of my standards. They felt as second nature to me as ever.

I'm a bit sad that my skill range has narrowed, but I don't want to fight my way back there either. I want to embrace and follow the part of singing that actually makes me happy. The singing where I get to be myself, telling a story in a song, enjoying the music. No costume, no technical flourishes that leave me riddled with anxiety about execution, no all-consuming envy about other performers who are better at this character... I think I'll try to be a bit better about singing along to music. Tomorrow I'll look into what I need to get this turntable going and I'll start setting aside some daily time for some jazz. I know I've let many an aria and musical number fall by the wayside. I won't let that happen to my standards.

Final thought - Thanks to all of you out there who have always supported my singing, no matter what genre or venue. I would never have accomplished so much without your cheers and words of encouragement along the way. I've not forgotten a single word. I'm unendingly grateful.