"I never said I'd leave the city"

I'm well aware I'm not off to a great start with making regular posts this year... but that's ok. I've been focusing on some other areas. I have to remind myself that this is a blog meant to keep you guys updated on my life, not necessarily be the most entertaining thing ever on earth or a place to make a stand and preach about things. That reminder helps me feel less guilty about not being as present here as I could be. But now, prepare yourself for a lengthy recap post!

This past weekend was incredible. There are no words that can adequately express how happy I was the whole weekend. We took the red-eye in, arriving Friday morning, making a quick turnaround to go to Mom's exercise class midday (had to get my strength training day in!). Mom and I even made a quick dash to Wheaton Plaza and did a mad run through Target. I miss shopping time with girls, and especially shopping time with my mom. We like so many of the same knickknacks.

Lunch with Mom :)

Later we had visit to Ed's brother Rob and his wife Alexis (and I met Ed's - wait, now my! - beautiful niece Ellis) which was really nice. Rob, Ed and I had coffee together, catching up on all the big doings. Afterwards we had a chance to drive around the area we used to live in and grabbed a little Korean BBQ. Some things have changed, like the Tyson's Corner beltway area but... it's really exactly as I remember it. It all felt as familiar as if I was there yesterday. And for those of you who say I haven't been gone long enough to see a difference? I was stunned by the progress made on the metro line extensions and buildings that were not even close to standing when we left.

Saturday Ed came out running with me despite our exhaustion. He runs (literally) twice as fast as I do, so it's always very generous of him to run with me at my sloooow pace. He did help me shave off .12 off my time though! We then had breakfast with some of my friends: Michelle, Austin, Joe, and Evyan, at Eggspectation in Silver Spring. It was just so nice catching up and gossiping about what all our old high school friends are up to now. It's hard to believe some people are on their second kid, or famous, or married, or on their second degree/graduate school, or divorced, or living somewhere across the globe. It's almost like we're adults or something... yikes! I wish we could have stayed hanging out a bit longer, but we all had errands. I had to run to Bethesda where Mikyla at The Shop was going to style my hair for the Jazz Band Alumni performance that evening. She made me look fantastic and I loved my 'big Texas hair.' My sister was right, I probably could have asked for a bouffant and would've been in love with it as well. :)

The bigger the better!

From there I ran over to rehearsal where, I couldn't hide it, I was very nervous to see who would be there and to see if I could still pull it out of the hat (vocally). The band.... I can't begin to tell you how amazing the band was.... the sound nailed you to the back wall as you walked in, I was stunned. Thankfully I had come in time to hear the other two vocalists (wonderful) and support them in rehearsal. It all went by so fast and before I knew it I was home getting changed and then back out for the performance.

Rehearsal

There was a pizza buffet for the band people before the concert to catch up and network. It's a strange thing seeing people again after 9 years. People you saw everyday for multiple hours, and then nothingness, and all of a sudden there they are! Looking exactly the same. That's the part that gets me. No one looks different. Sure some of us have put on weight or colored our hair but honestly? You guys all still look the same to me. Hope that comes off as a compliment because that is exactly as it's intended.

The performance... was amazing. The bands, the honors and the alumni bands, were just incredible. It was surreal sitting in that theater again. So much history passed there for me. Watching Joan Rackey on stage took me right back to high school. I was so nervous and sweaty and ill... just like high school. :) And the music.... see this is why I have little faith in my ability to be a reviewer because in my mind I can hear the songs and am blown away all over again by the clear beautiful sound, but I just can't find the words to describe it. So, let me bow out here and just post some videos to speak for themselves!

"Over the Rainbow":

"Fly Me to the Moon":

I wanted to weep I was so happy to be up there again, with that incredible band and that incredible woman directing us. I've already told you how much I believe Joan Rackey deserves all the praise and gratitude that can possibly be heaped upon a teacher. She was gracious and funny and handled the whole evening with nonchalance.

Shirts for the Alumni Band

Gathering both groups to play together at the end

Afterwards we grabbed up as many people as we could, including our elementary school and middle school band teachers Ms. Mathis and Ms. Parks, and we hopped over to Savannah's for drinks and karaoke. Some of us were quite overwhelmed by the unusual set up of drinking with teachers from so many past school years. :) We sang and danced like crazy people and just had a wonderful time celebrating a wonderful evening. And yes I stole a bunch of these pictures from other photographers in the group so... thanks for taking great pictures for me! :)

Sunday I should have been up and running 3mi... but that just was not happening. I had hit my sleep deprivation wall and was on the verge of hallucinating (seriously, later that day at the airport I came out of the bathroom looking to meet up with Ed, and although he was maybe 15 feet from me, I did not recognize him and looked around and past him maybe 10 times - he was looking at me like I was having a stroke). So we drove up and stopped in to see Omi for a short visit. I'm really glad we got to see her considering we probably won't be back in the area until August. Flying back to CA was endlessly long, and I'm sure it felt even more so just because it was such quiet downtime in comparison to the riot the rest of the weekend had been.

Being home is already a bit of a downer just being away from all the people we love very much. Ed and I both agreed this was one of the best visits home we've ever had. Thank you to Joan for asking me to sing and for pulling such an incredible band together, it was an honor to be part of it. Thank you all for reminding us why it's so amazing to come home again and what a perfect group of friends and family we have.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my Dad today! :)

And now for something completely different.

A thought essay on my singing.

I miss singing, but not all of it. Not even close to all of it. I get pangs of remembered joy from singing Carmen or Dido and Aeneas or Showtune (which was my favorite musical hands down), but I really don't miss them truly. They were memorable times, my voice was in amazing form - singing Michaela and  Carmen in the same show? That is crazy! I can say that now without feeling like I'm bragging because I flat out cannot do it now. Musicals, while never my strong suit were always fun and full of a variety I wouldn't have had to face anywhere else. It all pales in comparison to how I feel about what I did with the jazz band in high school and post-high school guest spots that I was graciously allowed to do. It wasn't hyper-technically challenging since I mostly stuck to ballads out of fear of failure on the faster, jazzier stuff, but it was my favorite. I felt comfortable, like this was the right place for my voice. I didn't have to beat it out of myself, training endlessly, feeling overwhelming shame and great frustration when I cracked or couldn't quite get the right tone or round-and-round discussions on 'placement.' Singing anything other than my pieces for jazz band always made me feel a bit "less than" and really fueled a lot of my issues with envy and insecurity. There was always the occasional note out of my range in jazz band too, but overall, it was my safe place. I used to feel a bit embarrassed that standards and 'easy listening' was what I loved. Now, I'm glad I can say I don't mind in the slightest that I'll listen to The Carpenters and James Taylor over Mahler or Sondheim.

Before I met Ed, my life had a perpetual soundtrack. I don't just mean that like everyone else particular songs remind me of particular times, but that music was on constantly everywhere I went. Before the days of iPods (instantly feeling older now) I would listen to CDs at the bus-stop and on the ride to school. I would sing to myself in the hallways or anywhere I walked. One very kind teacher said they heard Ella Fitzgerald sang to herself wherever she went just like me - I was immensely flattered by the comparison regardless of its veracity. My CD player wore out playing music for studying, for talking on the phone, for staring at the ceiling thinking about my latest crush, and then finally playing through the night as I slept. Even after I left my bus riding days behind, my car radio was rarely off on my long commutes to college or to work.

It's been a very recent thing that I listen to music less and hardly sing even on a weekly basis. A couple of contributing factors have brought me to these mostly music-less days. Inside our house, we have no set up stereo. My Dad just passed on his record collection and turntable which I am ecstatic about, but I've done little to figure out how to set it up or go about purchasing all the bits and pieces to get sound out of it. There's no port for my iPod on our television downstairs. The awesome speakers my mom purchased for my laptop two years ago are still fantastic, but they are upstairs where my laptop plays out its role as a faux desktop computer. Since I own over 160G of music, I have to use an external hard drive that makes moving my laptop and playing music from there a pain. Even listening to the radio or playing CDs in the car is an infrequent activity because I only drive about twice a week. And now that I go to bed with someone else, I can't exactly keep all my childhood habits of leaving on night lights and music playing the whole night long. Add to that I'm not sure Ed would appreciate having to listen to Joni Mitchell or Eva Cassidy on repeat. Poor man may go a bit mad.

I don't remember what I was watching that caught my ear, but it inspired me to pull out all of my old songbooks and scores. I paged through a couple books, trying out a couple songs I used to sing regularly… a couple songs I loved but were always difficult…a couple songs that were my best years ago. I was pretty shocked at how poor my voice seemed. I know it's a muscle and a gift you have to work at; It's just so easy to look back and remember how good things were while forgetting all the time poured into that skill. The only area that remained the same for my voice was all of my standards. They felt as second nature to me as ever.

I'm a bit sad that my skill range has narrowed, but I don't want to fight my way back there either. I want to embrace and follow the part of singing that actually makes me happy. The singing where I get to be myself, telling a story in a song, enjoying the music. No costume, no technical flourishes that leave me riddled with anxiety about execution, no all-consuming envy about other performers who are better at this character... I think I'll try to be a bit better about singing along to music. Tomorrow I'll look into what I need to get this turntable going and I'll start setting aside some daily time for some jazz. I know I've let many an aria and musical number fall by the wayside. I won't let that happen to my standards.

Final thought - Thanks to all of you out there who have always supported my singing, no matter what genre or venue. I would never have accomplished so much without your cheers and words of encouragement along the way. I've not forgotten a single word. I'm unendingly grateful.