And now for something completely different.

A thought essay on my singing.

I miss singing, but not all of it. Not even close to all of it. I get pangs of remembered joy from singing Carmen or Dido and Aeneas or Showtune (which was my favorite musical hands down), but I really don't miss them truly. They were memorable times, my voice was in amazing form - singing Michaela and  Carmen in the same show? That is crazy! I can say that now without feeling like I'm bragging because I flat out cannot do it now. Musicals, while never my strong suit were always fun and full of a variety I wouldn't have had to face anywhere else. It all pales in comparison to how I feel about what I did with the jazz band in high school and post-high school guest spots that I was graciously allowed to do. It wasn't hyper-technically challenging since I mostly stuck to ballads out of fear of failure on the faster, jazzier stuff, but it was my favorite. I felt comfortable, like this was the right place for my voice. I didn't have to beat it out of myself, training endlessly, feeling overwhelming shame and great frustration when I cracked or couldn't quite get the right tone or round-and-round discussions on 'placement.' Singing anything other than my pieces for jazz band always made me feel a bit "less than" and really fueled a lot of my issues with envy and insecurity. There was always the occasional note out of my range in jazz band too, but overall, it was my safe place. I used to feel a bit embarrassed that standards and 'easy listening' was what I loved. Now, I'm glad I can say I don't mind in the slightest that I'll listen to The Carpenters and James Taylor over Mahler or Sondheim.

Before I met Ed, my life had a perpetual soundtrack. I don't just mean that like everyone else particular songs remind me of particular times, but that music was on constantly everywhere I went. Before the days of iPods (instantly feeling older now) I would listen to CDs at the bus-stop and on the ride to school. I would sing to myself in the hallways or anywhere I walked. One very kind teacher said they heard Ella Fitzgerald sang to herself wherever she went just like me - I was immensely flattered by the comparison regardless of its veracity. My CD player wore out playing music for studying, for talking on the phone, for staring at the ceiling thinking about my latest crush, and then finally playing through the night as I slept. Even after I left my bus riding days behind, my car radio was rarely off on my long commutes to college or to work.

It's been a very recent thing that I listen to music less and hardly sing even on a weekly basis. A couple of contributing factors have brought me to these mostly music-less days. Inside our house, we have no set up stereo. My Dad just passed on his record collection and turntable which I am ecstatic about, but I've done little to figure out how to set it up or go about purchasing all the bits and pieces to get sound out of it. There's no port for my iPod on our television downstairs. The awesome speakers my mom purchased for my laptop two years ago are still fantastic, but they are upstairs where my laptop plays out its role as a faux desktop computer. Since I own over 160G of music, I have to use an external hard drive that makes moving my laptop and playing music from there a pain. Even listening to the radio or playing CDs in the car is an infrequent activity because I only drive about twice a week. And now that I go to bed with someone else, I can't exactly keep all my childhood habits of leaving on night lights and music playing the whole night long. Add to that I'm not sure Ed would appreciate having to listen to Joni Mitchell or Eva Cassidy on repeat. Poor man may go a bit mad.

I don't remember what I was watching that caught my ear, but it inspired me to pull out all of my old songbooks and scores. I paged through a couple books, trying out a couple songs I used to sing regularly… a couple songs I loved but were always difficult…a couple songs that were my best years ago. I was pretty shocked at how poor my voice seemed. I know it's a muscle and a gift you have to work at; It's just so easy to look back and remember how good things were while forgetting all the time poured into that skill. The only area that remained the same for my voice was all of my standards. They felt as second nature to me as ever.

I'm a bit sad that my skill range has narrowed, but I don't want to fight my way back there either. I want to embrace and follow the part of singing that actually makes me happy. The singing where I get to be myself, telling a story in a song, enjoying the music. No costume, no technical flourishes that leave me riddled with anxiety about execution, no all-consuming envy about other performers who are better at this character... I think I'll try to be a bit better about singing along to music. Tomorrow I'll look into what I need to get this turntable going and I'll start setting aside some daily time for some jazz. I know I've let many an aria and musical number fall by the wayside. I won't let that happen to my standards.

Final thought - Thanks to all of you out there who have always supported my singing, no matter what genre or venue. I would never have accomplished so much without your cheers and words of encouragement along the way. I've not forgotten a single word. I'm unendingly grateful.