Pregnancy Recap

I want to discuss all the things that I was told would happen, that I wasn't told would happen and if/how they panned out. I'm sharing these things not because these expectations are 'false.' I'm sharing these to just show one way things can go down and how that's perfectly normal too. This will be a pretty story-oriented, lengthy post so if you're not interested, you're welcome to pass this one up and wait for the next cute baby picture post... of course, I'll still insert one or two at the bottom anyways if you want to skip to that. :)

1. Gaining Weight

I started out 'underweight' in terms of gaining pounds, and stayed within the normal range the whole pregnancy. It never really bothered me when people said I looked huge or looked like I was having twins, but for people who don't have their weight gain under control or who are very uncomfortable in their new larger bodies, those things are hurtful. I kinda expected to get big so it always rolled off my back. Now, post-birth, when people ask me when I'm due, I do want to harm them. I don't seem to be losing my baby weight very fast, or at all. So, ladies, don't be glamoured by the tales of breastfeeding equaling any weight loss. Doesn't always work like that. I'm hoping to get back to our diet and fitness routine from last year fairly soon now. I'm in no great hurry, and neither is my body, but, I'm painfully aware that I will not be one of those women who goes back to a healthy weight without a good bit of blood, sweat and tears.

2. Stretch Marks

This one makes me want to go on a bit of a tirade.
I think I've mentioned on here before, I have stretch marks. I always have - both from puberty and later from my weight gain after Goucher College.  To those who say, oh if only you gain weight at a regular pace (I did), or if only you used lotion religiously (I can show you bank statements where I invested a boatload into lotions and belly butter), or drink water like it's your job (would you like to know what percentage of the pregnancy I spent in bathroom trips?) - you won't get stretch marks... You are so wrong. So, so wrong. A huge part of it is just luck and genetics. I am not one of these people. Granted, doing those things greatly reduced the amount and severity of stretch marks I have from pregnancy... but that has not stopped friends or family from advising me about where I needed to use more lotion. To them I say, ask Ed. I could not have used more lotion and suggesting otherwise is just silly. I'll take the marks and enjoy the memories of why they are there.

3. Crazy Cravings

I think I ate ice cream more during this pregnancy than the rest of my life combined. But the weirdest thing was how in love with fried chicken I became... I mean, it's good normally, but there was at least 1 week where I ate it everyday. Otherwise, no pickle and peanut butter desires for me. I didn't really change my eating habits much other than being prescribed a higher caloric intake.

4. Swelling

This almost never happened. I had one ankle swell up close to the end, like you saw in the pedicure picture. But. BUT. I had huuuuge swelling in my feet after birth, for days and days. No one mentioned that could happen. It was painful to stand, and I couldn't even find relief from putting my feet up. Sitting made it worse but of course, breastfeeding, you spend a lot of time sitting around. I just had to drink water and ride it out.

5. Bigger breasts

Sadly, mine did not get that much bigger during pregnancy. That all happened for me afterwards with breastfeeding. I can't complain too much, it's not like I was flat chested before. So when people say, 'Your boobs are gonna get huge!' Take heart that they are in no way predictors of what may actually happen.

6. Mood Swings

This was roughest at the very beginning and the very end of pregnancy. It's hard to say how much was pregnancy related and how much was dealing with Ed's illness in the beginning, and then me going past my due date in the end. There was lots of crying. Not too much rage. I'd say a heavy dose of crying with a sprinkling of rage overall. How to manage? Well... that's just another one you have to ride out as well methinks. I did a lot of apologizing and exercise helped. Especially being in the pool because that would automatically cool me down.

7. Morning Sickness

Not everyone gets this, or has it for very long. Mine lasted about 2 weeks and it was over. Period. No remnants, nada. Ed has a coworker however, who threw up everyday of her pregnancy including the day she gave birth. That sounds horrific. So yeah, fingers crossed you won't be blighted with that!

8. Baby Activity

There are few things in life as disconcerting as the time you spend being pregnant and waiting to feel the baby. There will come a certain point when everyone is asking you if you've felt it and then expressing shock you haven't felt the baby yet. For me, this meant tons of time agonizing over whether my baby was ok because I hadn't felt her. It didn't help that people then asked if I was sure I was pregnant - jokingly, but that's cold comfort if you're a worrywart. Of all the questions,' have you felt the baby yet' is my most hated. Nothing unnerved me more than to answer in the negative over and over again. Finally feeling her was a huge balm to my hyperactive imagination.

9. Exercise

Yes. Please. Do this often if you can. I can't believe how many women I ran into that gave up on all exercise (without Dr's orders). If you take it easy it can be such a nice break from the aches and pains of the day... that being said you've got to try a bunch of things to see what feels good. I really thought I'd love prenatal yoga. I hated it. I looooved swimming. I swam while in labor for goodness sake. I do wish I had done more strength training pre-pregnancy, focusing in particular on my abs and back (for baby-lifting & bending over diaper changing purposes, not appearance). Hopefully the next time around I can work on that.

10. Supplements

Those of you who knew me in high school might remember how I had the most violent morning sickness. I could never take supplements. But this pregnancy turned my belly into a trooper. I took nearly every supplement one could think of and then some. I found that, under doctor/midwife supervision, everything was worth a shot. If it worked, (like magnesium for my aches), I could keep on, and if it didn't, (nettle tea made me nauseous after a couple weeks), I could just drop it, no harm no foul.

And finally...

11. 'Natural' Labor & The First Month

I don't really like the term 'natural' labor. I just labored without drugs and at home. Nothing natural or unnatural or good or bad about any of it. Anyways, let me say that I prepared as much as possible for this part of pregnancy, and I was more than able to handle it. The pain was like nothing I've ever felt, but it was what I had prepared for and I wasn't afraid.

What I wasn't prepared for was the first month after birth. Recovery is tough. And Elise is not a sleeper. She's getting better thank god, but it's been really hard. A full month of her not sleeping more than 30 mins ish at a time, with the once or twice a week 7 hr sleep. And then there were the growth spurts where she was feeding every hour. Every. Hour. Can you imagine? That wasn't just one day either. Multiple days. So intense. I wish someone had prepared me for all that. Especially when you go in thinking you're gonna breastfeed exclusively. I tried, I really tried. See further below about the depression part.

You hear lots of warnings about how you have to wake babies up to feed them, or that babies sleep for most of the day. So imagine our shock when we had nothing like that at all. She's not a crier, she's just awake and needs love and attention. And that can be really hard to give when you're so tired you want to weep and can hardly remember your own name. But we've made it through the fire, at least this first one!

I also really struggled with keeping depression at bay. I've taken enough psychology classes to know, being seriously sleep deprived, riddled with hormones and physically spent can equal a really slippery slope. As I mentioned I also wanted to breastfeed exclusively. It started well, the first 5 days, and then turned into a nightmare for the next 3 weeks as Elise stopped sleeping. So, we weren't sleeping, we were feeding for hours, and I was in pain from labor (normal) and breastfeeding (normal). Sitting for long periods of time can slow recovery, and unfortunately I couldn't make side-lying feeding work with Elise so I had to sit. I was hurting and feeling like a failure. We finally conceded that it made more sense to have a happy Mom who wasn't despairing and fatigued and we started to use formula in the evenings. Even though I cried the first time we used formula, I haven't looked back since. There's nothing inherently wrong with formula, it just wasn't what I was imagining when I pictured being a mother. It's hard letting go of expectations. I'm still breastfeeding most of the day (12am to 7pm-ish), but having a little break really helps me regain my sanity. I'm doing as much as I can and that's fine. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise if you face the same challenges as I did.

Ed was very supportive. He understood that I didn't really need anyone to talk to, I was too tired to actually vent or form sentences. He just took the reigns when I needed it, and helped me and helped us find what actually worked. He still encourages me and Elise is fantastically in love with him.

So, that's all I have to say on the matter for now... if you've got any questions don't hesitate to ask and I can post on that! I'll try to update again soon but goodness it's hard to catch a break to sit at the computer.

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Quick update on Ed and I... we're great. Very tired. We got a garden plot we're working on in our community, which is a fantastic excuse to get outside and get some fresh air and physical activity. Ed is still doing well, getting treatments and workin' hard as always. Also, he finally converted and got an iPhone! I'm sure he's thrilled to be flooded with emoji texts from my family and me. :)

Update on Elise.... She's wonderful. She's sooo loooong. She's not a very chubby baby, just a bean pole. She loves to sing and squeal and make all kinds of noises these days. We're finally getting into wearing clothes. We still don't like the carseat, the stroller, the playmat, the bassinet on the packnplay or the bouncy seat. Hopefully she comes around on some of those things. And here's your dose for the week:

Rosie loves to roll around Elise, someday I'm sure they'll roll together!

Facetiming babies! And yes, they were talking to eachother

Chillin' in our crib with the farm animals!

'Til next time!

Month 1

Boy has time flown by here! Hard to believe my family has all come and gone at this point. I think our next visitors aren't slated until June? I'd say that seems so far but time holds no meaning anymore. This first month has really felt like one long day! I remind myself of what Gretchen Rubin says in The Happiness Project: the days are long but the years are short.

I'm writing this up pretty haphazardly so I'll be brief and let the pictures do most of the talking. Thank you to those who have sent diapers, clothes and other gifts - it's been so helpful. Who knew an amazon wish list could make things so easy!

And for our 1 month  update!

Don't worry it's not on - just showin' support for Dad's work!

It was not all smooth sailing with the photo shoot...

 What Are We Like:
* I looooove to laugh in my sleep. Im not a particularly smiley baby yet, but when those eyelids close, I have the funniest dreams and I chuckle and giggle galore.

(My heart wants to explode every time I get to hear it/see it)

* I'm still doing disposable diapers until I'm a bit bigger and then it's onto cloth diapers hopefully!

* Ive got a ton of energy. Mom doesn't know how I stays awake for as long as I do, but I do. And it's not for lack of trying to go to sleep either.

* Two types of sleep: Sleep sleep (0) & pseudo sleep (1). Pseudo sleep (1) generally occurs between 2am and 8am. I will coo, cry and move, but only for 5-10 seconds, then go back to Sleep sleep (0) for 15-20 minutes so that mom and dad can get some rest. Basically, I'm a very noisy kid!

What We Like:

* Music, although, not necessarily mom singing it.

* "Yard Time" - we let her lay out unswaddled and just dance. She especially likes this when it's sunny outside

* Cat naps. Usually, less than 5 minutes, but sometimes as long as 15! Just long enough to get very little done.

* Sunlight and fresh air. We love our walks and staring out into the patio on bright sunny days.

* Staring at nothing on the wall or ceiling and freaking out Mom and Dad in the middle of the night.

* Food. So much food! We've already had a couple growth spurt days that required hourly feeding. That was... intense. But our socks are already fitting better - it's amazing to actually see milestones of her growing like that. Socks that fell off in minutes before now stay on all day!

What We Don't Like:

* Sleep. This baby... the first 3 1/2 weeks were pretty rough. We had many days where the cumulative amount of sleep had by all (baby included) was ~4hrs. That's right, a mere four hours from midnight to midnight. You may have read newborns sleep on average 16 hrs. We didn't even care if it was 'through the night.' We just wanted sleep and it was oh so elusive. We're finally coming around in this 2nd month to something more normal... but good god was that hard.

* Clothing. We're a diapers and socks only kid. And that's mighty ok in this household!

* Baths. We're getting better here, everyday she's a bit more tolerant of the process. I hope she likes being immersed in water and swimming in the near future

We're Not Sure About

* The swing or bouncy chair. Everyone said these would be lifesavers but she would have none of if until the past 3 or 4 days. Who knows. 

* Our bassinet. It's been quite hard convincing this baby to sleep in her pack n play. She much prefers sleeping with Mom, the couch or most recently, the swing. 

* The cats. She's not aware of them but they love to watch over her. Rosie is particular will standby to help if Elise seems upset or is kicking a good deal. 

* Car Rides. These are hit or miss. There's little else as stressful as driving with a crying baby and being able to do nothing about it.

Ed and I keep saying it, we're very lucky to have such a great baby. The sleeping thing is hard, but she's really not a crier or screamer. She's tolerant of our flubs and she never startles unless she does it to herself (mostly sleep jerks). Even when she occasionally bites a nipple and I yelp and curse, she contentedly continues as if nothing happened. A very sweet baby indeed.

Otherwise, Ed and I are hanging in there. Trying to sleep when we can. Ed is keeping the coffee industry afloat. I was surviving on candy bars (twix and snickers mainly) for 3 weeks to give me energy at 2am. 

Also, we finally recieved a garden plot from the community garden. Great timing considering we started a ton of seedlings when my mom was here. 

I'm working on a list of products we've found valuable this first month, for the next post. I really found opinion pieces like that helpful when I was combing through blogs I like, looking for baby advice.

 Til next time!

Elise's Birth Story

Ok ya'll, I'll try to keep the tmi to a minimum, but let's be real here, it's a birth story so... it's not all rainbows and sunshine and glitter. I'm half writing this for myself, to not forget how it went down, and half writing this for other women interested in having a home birth that may stumble upon this account.

So, I'd say things really started Friday, March 14th around 9am. I had been up for awhile after sending Ed off to work and mom and I decided to go for a walk. At some point I started having painful cramping and we started doing the usual exercises to lean into the sensation - lunges, squats to look at flowers and snails...

Squats at the end of our walk

We'd been doing these every night and I'm sure the neighbors got a real kick out of a hugely pregnant lady doing things seemingly straight out of the ministry of silly walks. The cramping wasn't regular and I was too nervous to say anything was really happening. I chalked it up to Braxton hicks. Carolyne, Joe and Emilia were due to meet us for lunch at Apple main campus so we made our way over. I had intermittent pains during lunch... Joe said he thought he was the only one really concerned I appeared to be in labor and that this baby was just gonna pop out at Apple HQ! I told Ed I would let him know if anything happened, but he made an executive decision and came home early not long after that! 

After lunch we decided to go for a swim with everyone because it was a really beautiful day. I think when the pains forced me to pause at the poolside wall in the middle of my laps, I knew it was possible this could be it! So I did a couple more laps and we all started to make our way home. 

I can't remember what I did for the next couple hours... Ed and I watched TV (I remember not enjoying any of the shows that involved yelling and preferred funny shows). We had dinner... Nothing crazy happened, just worked through the pain. But around 6 or 7 things became regular enough that I felt confident saying I was truly in labor so I called my midwife to let her know.

My midwife actually had another birth going on at the same time so when she did finally stop by around 10, she said it seemed pretty early and that I should call her when my contractions were longer, more intense, when my water broke, etc. Fun fact - some women have contractions that don't get longer! Mine stayed a solid 1 min long from beginning to end. The pain was as promised though...

So, we went back to listening to James Taylor on the record player and I kept laboring away. I felt so noisy. I was a big fan of the moaning noise to get through. The pain was getting pretty intense and I could feel it moving from my back to front to both areas. I tried getting in the shower two times and that only worked for me the first time. I really wanted the birth tub to be set up but we had to wait for the midwife to return and well, spoiler alert, she didn't come back in time for that!

It all gets really fuzzy for me after midnight to be honest. Mom and Ken had been babysitting Emilia and came back around this time. (Ken spent the rest of the night listening to the craziness from their room upstairs - you're a trooper Ken!) The pain was breathtaking and it was all I could do to fall to my hands and knees and try to moan and rock through it. I was hot and cold and had the shakes and was so tired. Mom and Ed would try to prop me up with their bodies but I would complain I was hot and they were crowding me :) Sounds like me right? At one point I woke up and Ed had his forehead against mine holding me up!

Mom encouraged me to try to lay down or lean to my side... Which turned out to be the one place I couldn't handle because as soon as I did that I immediately puked. There was a fair bit of stomach emptying at that point from the pain. This was around 2am. I couldn't keep any liquids down after that. 

I also had this Regina Spektor song stuck in my head and I kept trying to sing "ooooooopen" when I could form words. 

If things were fuzzy before, now they're just a blank for me. Around 4am Mom and Ed started asking if I was pushing and I realized I was starting to... At 4:15 my water broke. I was not disappointed in that moment - it was pretty much the dramatic movie moment I thought water breaking would be! At this point I'm told Mom and Ed started freaking out thinking they were going to have to deliver this baby on their own because we couldn't get ahold of the midwife. I remember asking for the tub and repeatedly saying "where the hell is the midwife?!" Around 445am the midwife and her assistant showed up and by this time I was on the floor flat on my back pushing this baby out. At 5:04am, Elise came out yelling at all of us!

I was in total shock at this point and immediately started shaking violently. I didn't realize that happened in normal labor - in class we talked about it happening to c-section patients, not in normal labor, so heads up ladies! Anyways, Elise was placed on my chest and for me, created a wall of screaming that made it impossible for me to hear what anyone said. I could, however, tell that something was a little wrong because there was a lot of tense shuffling and administering of shots and medications because I was bleeding "more than they would have liked." I don't know how long that went on but it felt like ages and the things they did to stop the bleeding were a pretty big and uncomfortable surprise. Uterine massage? I was prepared for that. Uterine sweep with gauze? I was not. Several massages (do not be fooled by the name), pills, shots and many tense minutes later and things started to get more under control. I don't know how long this went on, but I'm sure it felt like a very long time for Mom and Ed.

Obviously, it all worked out. I can't even say I was too scared because I was still just in shock and shaking like crazy, with a baby screaming in my face so I wasn't 100% aware. I won't go into the details of the rest, but I was surprised at how long the process was, involving clean up and stitch up and general just being awake post labor. I just wanted to sleep and be warm.

Getting her stats and stamp of approval :)

It all felt like the whole process happened very fast and generally, very much like what I expected. I'm so happy to have had the birth I wanted. I never got angry, only a couple times felt like crying from the pain, and mostly handled it better than I thought I would. I could not have done it without all the coaching and help from Mom and Ed. Ed remained calm the whole time and was super flexible about what I needed him to do, whether it was rubbing my back or just letting me hold onto him through the contractions. Even the midwife commented on how amazing they were and how lucky I was to have them helping me with so much love.

One of the reasons I was so stressed about being past my due date was that at 42 weeks the law has you moving from a midwife and home birth to an OB and the hospital. I truly did not want that at all after all our experiences at the hospitals with Ed. Hospitals are great places when you need them, but I really didn't think I needed that. So, thank you Elise for adding a little extra drama to the waiting game. I'm so happy she's here and so grateful for the experience. She's a brilliant handful and I couldn't ask for anything more. It's almost her 1 month mark and that will probably be the next post - updating on what she's like and how life is now!

P.S. If you're interested in homebirth, don't hesitate to ask me any questions, I'm obviously not too concerned with modesty here... I was offered advice from ladies who had done it and that guidance was invaluable. A big thank you to them :)