"Girlfriend in a coma..."

Yes I'm still alive. I have been majorly slacking in pretty much every department possible except apartment hunting. I've been in an apartment hunting coma. When we realized we had to move out in less than a month because we weren't going to be in the country when our lease ends, I grabbed the opportunity to not think about wedding things or running or weight loss and held onto it like Kate Winslet held onto that damn floating door. (On that note, have you seen this? Cracked me up)

We did find an apartment and are in the process of applying for it. It'll be my first experience with long-term living in a place with.... wait for it.... no. air. conditioning. Pray for me. And Ed.

Back to other things going on (pictures to be added soon!)... Ck stopped by with the boys and we had an amazing visit. Finally made our way to the Academy of Sciences and I would like to say, um, why did no one tell me how amazing it was?! Even swamped as it was with families and mad children running about, I could not get over all the beautiful creatures and displays. We spent a little time in downtown Mountain View and Ck convinced me to get this bag I've been looking at for awhile. It's higher quality than I usually invest in so I needed some encouragement. Saying I love this bag is an understatement. It's perfectly relaxed and cheery and I'm glad I have my sister there to push me down the right purchasing path. :)

Wedding wise, we're scrambling to get rsvp's from people and solid numbers. Money is flying out the window it seems. Well, it is but it just feels all of a sudden because now all the large costs are upon us. Most recently I decided on my undergarments, jewelry, and cover-up bolero (I get hot and will be in a strapless dress.... if you want to hug me, I'll need some protective cover first!). We've also laid out our plans for the tables and when Mom sends me pictures of all the pieces coming together... I just want to cry in delight. It's still all a bit chaotic and in pieces, but it's really going to be everything I wanted it to be from the very start. And I've said it before (I hope) and I'll say it a million times more, my family has been indispensable and has contributed so much time and effort and money to this wedding.... I don't know how I can ever thank you all enough for every thought or action you have ever added to the cause. Some of you may think it's tacky to mention money, but for those in the family that cannot help out physically, their financial support has been just as important and essential. I am eternally grateful and I can only imagine the gratitude I will feel on Sept 1st. Forgive me if I seem a bit overwhelmed. :)

Wedding nail color

RSVP's

Wedding Jewelry!

In terms of running... Oh my have I been slacking. It's a bit ridiculous. I did sign up for a new race in November. A 10K trail run of all things! So that'll be good and difficult. For whatever reason I've just had a hard time motivating myself to do anything physical. On the bright side I'm miraculously losing weight. I am thiiiiiiiis close to breaking through 190. That would be amazing. I think the stress of everything leads me to not eat.... and when I do eat, I'm snacking on all the healthy goodies I've brought home from Sprout that week. Summer is a glorious time. It is just too easy to eat healthfully.

These past few months out here as a housewife on my own have really taught me the importance of planning for the home. Knowing who likes to snack on what and when and how much. I doubt my cooking is much better but I am still experimenting. This past week I set out determined to make something new and to also try again with Vanilla ice-cream. I settled on mint ice cream using the peppermint leaves from our plant upstairs. It turned out so delicious! And the vanilla recipe I actually pulled from Joy of Cooking. And lord it is the best one I've made so far. I doctored it up a bit with 2 Tahitian vanilla beans along with the tbsp of vanilla flavoring, and it only called for 2-3 eggs. Let me tell you... ya'll don't know how many eggs go into your ice cream. It would have been unfathomable to me before if you came up and said, "You know, there are 12 eggs in that cute little pint of ice cream you just ate in one sitting." I would have laughed in your face. Well. I started looking at ice cream recipes and now I know the truth! Damn you ice cream.... sneaking in ingredients in your adorable deliciousness.

Let's see... last little bit of news, we bought a new computer! Yay! I love new computers. Usually when I get my hands on one it's because I've destroyed the last one somehow. Hopefully Ed will keep me on the straight and narrow with this computer. Technology and I.... that's a hate-hate relationship right there. Don't even get me started on my iphone again. I managed to get music on it for about 3 weeks. And then I can't do it again. Godforsaken phone....

And along with the new computer, I've been very kindly asked to participate in a True Blood roundtable on Racialicious! I'm beyond excited and also terrified out of my mind. I love in depth discussions in person but on the internet it can get a bit scary. People don't just debate, they can stomp all over you, and having a backbone doesn't exactly come naturally to me. But I want to step up and take this opportunity to participate in something I've truly enjoyed reading and commenting on with Joe after each posting. It's new and insightful and I hope you guys enjoy looking into it. I'll post links to everything when it gets all set up.

I BADLY need to write reviews of the books I've been reading so maybe I'll get to that this week, on this brand-spankin'-new machine here. Currently I'm working on Shadow of Night by Deborah Harkness and it is just as good as I was hoping it would be. :)

I think that's a good belated wrap up of things. Now to make dinner for the man and watch some Justified!
Thanks for sticking with me :)

And now for something completely different.

A thought essay on my singing.

I miss singing, but not all of it. Not even close to all of it. I get pangs of remembered joy from singing Carmen or Dido and Aeneas or Showtune (which was my favorite musical hands down), but I really don't miss them truly. They were memorable times, my voice was in amazing form - singing Michaela and  Carmen in the same show? That is crazy! I can say that now without feeling like I'm bragging because I flat out cannot do it now. Musicals, while never my strong suit were always fun and full of a variety I wouldn't have had to face anywhere else. It all pales in comparison to how I feel about what I did with the jazz band in high school and post-high school guest spots that I was graciously allowed to do. It wasn't hyper-technically challenging since I mostly stuck to ballads out of fear of failure on the faster, jazzier stuff, but it was my favorite. I felt comfortable, like this was the right place for my voice. I didn't have to beat it out of myself, training endlessly, feeling overwhelming shame and great frustration when I cracked or couldn't quite get the right tone or round-and-round discussions on 'placement.' Singing anything other than my pieces for jazz band always made me feel a bit "less than" and really fueled a lot of my issues with envy and insecurity. There was always the occasional note out of my range in jazz band too, but overall, it was my safe place. I used to feel a bit embarrassed that standards and 'easy listening' was what I loved. Now, I'm glad I can say I don't mind in the slightest that I'll listen to The Carpenters and James Taylor over Mahler or Sondheim.

Before I met Ed, my life had a perpetual soundtrack. I don't just mean that like everyone else particular songs remind me of particular times, but that music was on constantly everywhere I went. Before the days of iPods (instantly feeling older now) I would listen to CDs at the bus-stop and on the ride to school. I would sing to myself in the hallways or anywhere I walked. One very kind teacher said they heard Ella Fitzgerald sang to herself wherever she went just like me - I was immensely flattered by the comparison regardless of its veracity. My CD player wore out playing music for studying, for talking on the phone, for staring at the ceiling thinking about my latest crush, and then finally playing through the night as I slept. Even after I left my bus riding days behind, my car radio was rarely off on my long commutes to college or to work.

It's been a very recent thing that I listen to music less and hardly sing even on a weekly basis. A couple of contributing factors have brought me to these mostly music-less days. Inside our house, we have no set up stereo. My Dad just passed on his record collection and turntable which I am ecstatic about, but I've done little to figure out how to set it up or go about purchasing all the bits and pieces to get sound out of it. There's no port for my iPod on our television downstairs. The awesome speakers my mom purchased for my laptop two years ago are still fantastic, but they are upstairs where my laptop plays out its role as a faux desktop computer. Since I own over 160G of music, I have to use an external hard drive that makes moving my laptop and playing music from there a pain. Even listening to the radio or playing CDs in the car is an infrequent activity because I only drive about twice a week. And now that I go to bed with someone else, I can't exactly keep all my childhood habits of leaving on night lights and music playing the whole night long. Add to that I'm not sure Ed would appreciate having to listen to Joni Mitchell or Eva Cassidy on repeat. Poor man may go a bit mad.

I don't remember what I was watching that caught my ear, but it inspired me to pull out all of my old songbooks and scores. I paged through a couple books, trying out a couple songs I used to sing regularly… a couple songs I loved but were always difficult…a couple songs that were my best years ago. I was pretty shocked at how poor my voice seemed. I know it's a muscle and a gift you have to work at; It's just so easy to look back and remember how good things were while forgetting all the time poured into that skill. The only area that remained the same for my voice was all of my standards. They felt as second nature to me as ever.

I'm a bit sad that my skill range has narrowed, but I don't want to fight my way back there either. I want to embrace and follow the part of singing that actually makes me happy. The singing where I get to be myself, telling a story in a song, enjoying the music. No costume, no technical flourishes that leave me riddled with anxiety about execution, no all-consuming envy about other performers who are better at this character... I think I'll try to be a bit better about singing along to music. Tomorrow I'll look into what I need to get this turntable going and I'll start setting aside some daily time for some jazz. I know I've let many an aria and musical number fall by the wayside. I won't let that happen to my standards.

Final thought - Thanks to all of you out there who have always supported my singing, no matter what genre or venue. I would never have accomplished so much without your cheers and words of encouragement along the way. I've not forgotten a single word. I'm unendingly grateful.